Raymond Briggs
There was a time when we knew all there was to know about light bulbs: forty; sixty; one hundred. That was it.
Sixty was a good average, everyday number to have; one hundred, if you wanted it brighter; forty if it was less important and you needed to keep an eye on the electricity bills.
These numbers were in WATTS, whatever watts are. What is a watt? Have you ever seen a watt? What does a watt look like?
You buy a bulb, plug it into the socket, then switch on, hoping it doesn't go off bang. Plug it into the socket... It used to be so easy but, today, there are sockets for BAYONET bulbs – sounds very war-like – but they are the sort we all remember. Also, there are now sockets for SCREW bulbs. Why? What is the point? Still, that's only two... There's bound to be a third, coming along soon. What will it be? VACUUM SUCTION bulbs? ‘Keep socket well-greased. Keep children away from socket.'
I have just been reading – yes, reading – one side of the carton, containing my new electric bulb and trying to decipher its endless diagrams. It's like a show of modern abstract art in miniature.
At the top is a blue panel, with HALOGEN in white capitals. What the hal is HALOGEN anyway? It doesn't tell you. HALO sounds religious and does GEN generate a HALO? ‘Buy our bulb and get a HALO free.'
There are fourteen more panels – top left shows a clock with hands at ten to two; underneath, it says 2000h. Get it? I don't. Next panel shows a delicate, female hand reaching up to a large light switch – ON OFF; below, it says x8000. 8000 what? Watts, perhaps. Next panel, a dark bulb; below, it says <1.0 sec. What is sec? A second perhaps? What does the backward pointer mean?
Below this is a pink horizontal panel, with 2800 KELVIN. Kelvin was at grammar school with me, in the forties; can't be anything to do with him, surely? He was a twerp.
First panel in the next row shows in outline a bulb; on its left is L 89.5mm; on its right is D 50mm. So important to know the length of one's light bulbs, together with their diameter, isn't it? How have we survived all these years without it? When did you last measure your light bulbs?
Next panel: 240 V. Volts, possibly? How do they relate to watts? How many watts does it take to make a volt?
Next panel in the top row says, 73kwh/1000h. Does this mean a thousand hours? How many years is that? Then, in a triangle, there's a bulb with wiggly bits dangling from it into a vase just below. The whole triangle has a line through it, crossing it out. Baffling.
But, with a magnifying glass, the wiggly bits are seen to be heat radiation; the ‘vase' turns out to be a hand, just thumb and forefinger. In other words, HOT – DON'T TOUCH.
Next row of three panels: first, large black caps – UV crossed out. My powerful, high-tech brain leaps into action: UV – ULTRA VIOLET, surely? God knows what Ultra Violet is but I think Ultra Violet rays can be harmful; so that's why it's crossed out. Next panel shows a circle like a clock face, with 12 to 3 o'clock blacked out; next to it is a column of black with a round blob at its base – a thermometer, perhaps? Beside it is a long black arrow pointing downwards. So? So watt, in fact.
The last panel shows a triangle, and inside is a lightbulb with all its glass broken, crossed out. This means, do not use a bulb with broken glass. Who on earth would, anyway? Do they think we are all halfwits? Wits not watts. Imagine trying to plug it in. You would need industrial gloves. One, anyway.
Then, on this very day spent writing this tripe about bulbs, I go into the kitchen and switch the main light on. It gives a delicate little pop and goes out.
There is a weird system here, where, if a bulb goes out, it blows the fuse for part of the house. WHY? Go to the fusebox; yes, there it is – all the switches except one are UP, meaning ON. WHY? All my life, switches On were Down; Up meant Off. Now it is the opposite. WHY? Switch the down one on, go back and take out the bulb. It comes out very easily, almost at a touch, but then I see it is all glass; it has left its metal bit in the socket. How do I get it out? There's nothing to get hold of.
Will stop now. Too boring. Back to the carton again.
Last panel, blue with white lettering: all is revealed in the address! Foreigners!
GE Hungary Kft H – 1044 Václ út 77 AEEE Yönemeliğine Uygundur
Even the address is incomprehensible. How do they ever get any post with an address like that? ‘AEEE!', indeed.