Ask Virginia Ironside
Crushed by office crush
QI fell heavily for someone in my office after knowing her for a year (we don’t work directly together but are in the same ‘team’). Unable to put it off any longer, about six months ago I plucked up the courage to ask her out one weekend. She politely declined, saying she appreciated the offer but was seeing someone. I texted back saying I was disappointed but not surprised she was romantically engaged (though, when I started working here, I thought she was the one interested in me; otherwise I wouldn’t have asked her out). Anyway, she now ignores me when we pass in corridors; doesn’t respond to my greetings if I see her in the kitchen. But then occasionally I catch her staring at me through a meeting-room window. Though hurt, a bit embarrassed and still a little in love with her, I’m ready to just get on with our working lives and try to be friends, but she’s making it almost impossible. What’s going on and what should my approach be? Was my follow-up text a mistake? I’m stumped… Name and address supplied
A When something goes wrong, most of usually assume it’s our fault. This results in endless soul-searching and ‘what is wrong with me?’-type ruminating. I think it’s because when we feel we’ve been rebuffed in some way, we would prefer we had power and control over the rebuttal, than experience the painful feeling of being a leaf blown about at random in a harsh wind. The truth is you behaved perfectly normally with this woman. Continue as if nothing had happened. Most women would be flattered and laugh it off. This one is clearly touchy and weird. What a jolly lucky escape you’ve had.
Romance always in fashion
QAged nearly 70 and two years after my dear wife died, I’d very much like to enjoy female company again. But I was never a predatory male, much preferring cuddling and close intimacy to more athletic sexual activity. My wife and I were well-suited in this regard and still managed to have three children. (I’m not even sure at my age I can, or want to, ‘deliver the goods’.) But if my (male) friends are to be believed, the ladies I am likely to meet at this time of life not only possess a robust appetite but are voracious and demanding. I’m worried about offending or disappointing a lady, being humiliated and losing what could be real companionship. How can I avoid embarrassment but identify a kindred spirit?
Name and address supplied
A Golly, I’d imagine the ladies would be queuing round the block! Don’t listen to those male friends. Men can be wary of admitting any kind of vulnerability, particularly when they get older, and like to boast that they’re still magnets for the opposite sex when they’re nothing of the sort. You can easily make your position clear to potential amoureuses platoniques by saying things like, ‘Ah, romantic love! Those were the days! Nothing seems to work quite as well as it used to, does it…’ Any woman will know what you mean.
Your house – your rules
QI have recently become a grandfather for the first time and I am already concerned about the future of my granddaughter. Her parents have made it clear that she will be given a mobile phone as soon as she asks for one: ‘I do not want her to be the only child without a phone in the playgroup,’ said my son. This filled me with horror. Do they not realise the profound adverse effects phones have on young children; robbing them of their childhood, imagination and the beneficial effects of exploring the local world at first hand? We are all familiar with the sight of children glued to their screens, lost in an artificial world. My son and his wife (both Oxbridge graduates) are not stupid, but any suggestions I make will probably be resented and I will be told it’s none of my business. How do I make them realise the dangers their daughter will face? G W by email
A I remember my grandmother telling me that in her day her mother would swoop down on her if she was reading, saying, ‘Take your head out of that book! You should be out enjoying the fresh air!’ Plus ça change…
Anyway, there’s conflicting evidence about children and mobile phones. There’s some evidence that they make no difference at all. When your granddaughter is older and comes to see you on her own, you can easily make a rule about what’s allowed and not allowed in granddad’s house. Children are perfectly capable of understanding that while they may be indulged in some ways chez granddad – staying up later than usual, say – there might be other restrictions. But before you get too apoplectic about it all – and I understand your feelings, believe me – read up more on the research.
Please email me your problems at problempage@theoldie.co.uk – I will answer every email that comes in; and let me know if you would like your dilemma to be confidential.