Take back control

QI’m in a muddle. My daughter, who normally rings me only once a month, if that, and visits perhaps once every three months, has been very angry, during the lockdown, at the idea that I haven’t been washing my hands – insisting I don’t walk in the park, let anyone into the house or do my own shopping. As a fit, self-sufficient 75-yearold with no underlying health conditions, I have been disobeying her. I am quite capable of making my own decisions and don’t like to be treated like an infant. I also feel, ‘If I die, I die’ – I’m past my sell-by date anyway. But I’m even now feeling angry. Why this sudden interest in me – as if she wants me to become a dependent misery – while she shows no more than scant interest in engaging with me when life is back to normal? Moira G by email

AThis is such a common problem. I feel that the answer lies in your relationship. Perhaps your daughter hasn’t been in touch frequently because she’s always felt controlled by you. This may just be her own perception, rather than the reality. That explains her minimal interest in you normally. The lockdown has given her a chance to get her own back and control you – and perhaps to vent unspoken anger in the guise of care, a more acceptable way of unleashing it. It may also be an example of younger people’s terror of death or loss generally. It sounds as if there is a lot of underlying hostility between you, as well as the love, and this might be a moment to have it out with her so that she has a chance to express her real annoyance with you rather than having to express it through this so-called ‘care’.