Molesworth in wartime
Nigel Molesworth, the curse of St Custard’s, returns – in wartime. The anarchic prep school boy appeared in four classic books by Geoffrey Willans, illustrated by Ronald Searle, between 1953 and 1958. But Molesworth was born in the pages of Punch, where he appeared in Willans’s column (without Searle’s illustrations), between August 1939 and December 1942. The pieces have never been published in full until now, the 80th anniversary of the Battle of Britain
My Diary of the War
Contains: Time-tables of War days and a.r.p. Huns, boshes. Nazis dirty roters and tuoghs
Sept 3, 1939
War declared. 3 tuoghs arrive from Bermingham who are put in Spare room thay are awful. They pute out there tongues at me so when mum not looking I scrap them. Chiz.
Ern say his father is a robber (swank) Arch runs about with no trousis he is not going to be a gentleman and at cricket they all slosh and touogh each other up.
Sept 16, 1939
Uncle come in uniform weedy private. Now I say you will haf to kill as many germans as the last war and as that was 5000 you will be hard pute to it. Uncle tell how he captured ten germans on the Som but Ern creep up and let off toy pistle with cap and uncle jump like anything three feet actually.
Sept 24, 1939
Back to school weedy school. Peason and me rage in the jim and he say stinker (Mr Cutler) and Sergent Buble also gone to join up which is enough to pute the germans off. mr Trimp (headmaster) still here but new master is awful as he deaf and face like a monky. Schwarz, german boy say war is just british propergander and hitler win india paris and magninot line. Deaf master agree with him but i do not think he hear. Fotherington-tomas has brought back fairy cycle weedy. Mr trimp say poland not really beaten.
Sept 25, 1939
7760400 secs to end of term.
Nov 16, 1940
Molesworth 2 now zoom by he sa he short range bomber and haf shot down skool pig in flames and scored direct hits on valuable objectives on deaf masters trousis. Soon deaf master zoom by to and howls appear. Find molesworth 2 very grave he sa he haf been shot down and he mourning himself. He is bats.
Nov 25, 1940
No bombers toda chiz as I had counted on them and done no prep. Term draws on leafs fall, foopbal matches, rags and toughery. Gran send telegram to sa on no account are we to go to Canada as it is not allowed.
Nov 26, 1940
10000000 seconds to Xmas and boo to Germans.
Jan 30, 1941
Tonite we do not haf a bad air rade and wizard bomb drop near skool pig. Mr trimp tells us long story about Great war and lekture us that Britain fight for peace and goodwill towards men. He then set down on draring pin which happened to be there and give me 6 chiz. See deaf master squeeze new misteress hand. I think he suspeck as he sa he will let me off conduc mark. Chiz parot appear from boot box where I haf hidden him and mr Trimp confiscate him. Do not think parot like it as he sa rude word ten times. Bomb drop and restore peace. Sept 12, 1941 – On holiday from school Mum announce NEWS St Cypranes
Chiz parot appear from boot box where I haf hidden him and mr Trimp confiscate him. Do not think parot like it as he sa rude word ten times
[the original name of St Custard’s] haf been BOMBED cheers cheers cheers we faint with joy. Mr trimp mrs trimp and skool pig all safe but luftvaff haf established scendency in the air over mrs trimps pink hat and given it severe hamering hemhem. molesworth 2 sa how about another ten weeks at the seaside mater.
July 17, 1942
Molesworth’s school is evacuated to a girls’ school in the country, St Ethelburga’s molesworth 2 zoom by with trowel. He swank he is digging for defeat and all small girls are impressed.
July 21, 1942
Pop’s embarkation agane cancelled and he is to sit in barn near bognor and give all solders fatigues chiz. No real sign of end of term hols bombs or more rasberries.
Nov 15, 1942
Grate day as mr pankhurst who was master at st cypranes come back as flight leiutenant (r.a.f.) all boys sa gosh look and ask feeble questions viz. how many haf you shot down sir? mr pankhurst sa about 10 but chiz as molesworth 2 shout sez you and zoom away he is feeble and think he finest pilot in the world becos he shoot down chikens, rooks and skool dog ect. jenkins sa Hope you will come back after war sir but mr pankhurst sa no jolly fear and dig matron in ribs. New master sa 10 very impressive total for officer in stores branch. Can he be jealous?
Nov 22, 1942
Give molesworth 2 BOOK to read as he haf large bag of sweets. He sa not bad but he prefer all about love also eat all sweets. What is the use? Thro book at molesworth 2 hit deaf master and zoom away to skool pig.
The Lost Diaries of Nigel Molesworth by Geoffrey Willans are published by Robert J Kirkpatrick (£10)