Ask Virginia Ironside

He misses his late wife

QA year ago, I asked my new male friend if he’d mind taking down the pictures and photos of his late wife of 40 years when I visited – I’d often stay for days at a time and found it really disconcerting to have her peering at me all the time. He complied reluctantly and I was grateful. But now, having been away from him during lockdown for months, I find that he’s put back all the pictures and photographs of her. I feel incredibly hurt. Although we get on in so many ways, I can’t help feeling that he really loved her more than me, although he swears he didn’t. It was just ‘different’, he says. What do you think?

A T, Hastings

AHasn’t it occurred to you that he’s telling the truth? Why would be lie? I loved my parents and love my son, daughter-in-law and grandchildren, my partners and my close friends all in different ways.

Perhaps your partner put up the pictures of his wife because her presence made him feel happy during lockdown – a reminder of old family life, a time when the future seemed stable and not beset with uncertainties. The presence of the pictures of his wife are a comfort blanket. You’ve known this man only a year. Your particular love is new and exciting, like an exotic plant in a garden full of old roses. Yes, he’s right. It’s different.

My lockdown boredom

QAm I the only person who finds films and box sets dull? My friends, during lockdown, have done nothing but bore me with the plots of all kinds of things they’ve watched on Netflix, begging me to watch them too.

But for some reason I’ve barely been able to watch any TV, have hated listening to the news – I stopped eventually – and have found even reading old favourite books a problem. I’ve found my consolation in gardening, walking, knitting, talking to friends on the phone and cooking. And, oddly, sleeping a great deal. But I now feel excluded from my friends’ conversation, which is almost exclusively about films and TV series I’ve never seen. Do I really have to watch these things simply to ‘keep up’?

Emma G by email

AEveryone I know has found sleep a big problem during these past months – getting either too little or, more commonly, too much. It’s as if some of us have gone into a kind of hibernation. On top of this, the natural anxiety about the fear of catching a deadly disease, not to mention the future of Western civilisation as we know it, has made others simple unable to concentrate on anything for very long. My problem with films or series is that during my life I’ve watched so much stuff that I find very little new to stimulate me – I feel I know the plot of a film almost before the opening credits have rolled. I advise you to let your friends’ film gossip wash over you while you silently plan your next herbaceous border or delicious supper. And bring your knitting with you.

Be prepared – for death

QThe conversation has turned to death so much recently that I’m glad I made my Advance Decision with Compassion in Dying years ago. It’s all very well for someone to say that their children ‘know what my wishes are’ at the end, meaning that their children know they don’t want to suffer being kept alive in pain, or in a vegetative state – but unless they’ve made a signed declaration about their wishes and, preferably, lodged it with their GP, the children’s views are worthless. Can I ask you to remind readers of this?

Name and address supplied

ANot only that – for which thanks – but did you know the Advance Decision isn’t worth much either unless it is constantly updated by being re-signed year after year – and particularly, apparently, after this pandemic?

Worried? Think again

QThe anxiety I’ve always felt has increased over the years until I’m in a constant state of worry from the moment I wake up to the moment I put my head on the pillow. I’ve been told to ‘meditate’, but I can’t stand all that whale music and a dreary voice telling me to imagine I’m on a beach in the sun – my idea of hell anyway. Are there any meditation apps you’d recommend?

Angela Woods, Sussex

AI know exactly what you mean. The only meditation course I’ve found more than useful is Sam Harris’s Waking Up app. Harris is an intelligent American writer and neuroscientist who was a friend of Christopher Hitchens and definitely not one for mumbo-jumbo of any kind. He spent 11 years in India studying meditation with Hindu and Buddhist teachers and now spends his time debating about religion, recording podcasts and so on.

Please email me your problems at problempage@theoldie.co.uk; I will answer every email – and let me know if you’d like your dilemma to be confidential.