Ask Virginia Ironside

I miss my murdered wife

Twelve years ago I met Carol, who soon became the love of my life. She was 50, and I ten years older. We had both been married and divorced; so marriage was not considered. I would visit her every night, and my life was perfect. Tragically, last year, she was killed outright in a car accident, by a maniac on parole from prison, full of hard drugs and driving at 55 mph. I have found it very hard to cope with life after her death – no one to share a meal with and of a similar intellect as me. The killer is now serving ten years in prison. Why am I unable to come to terms with life? COVID-19 has been an additional burden to me. Please help me to find a way through the darkness of my life. J B, Scotland

I know this sounds a bit like fobbing off, but I wonder if you shouldn’t think of contacting a Cruse counsellor? At least that would give you someone to talk to, even if only on the phone. Just talking about Carol would surely be a comfort. You might also find SAMM a help (www.samm.org.uk); it’s an organisation that helps the families of people bereaved by murder or manslaughter. Never having been bereaved in this traumatic way, I can only imagine that there are particular aspects of grieving – such as a desire for revenge, perhaps – suffered by those left behind.

I won’t pretend that anything is going to make your life feel worth living again, at the moment. But having someone to lend an ear to you, or to hold your hand (metaphorically) during this time, might be worth a go. There are lots of good books on grief, too. I hesitate to recommend mine, but many people find it helpful. It’s ‘You’ll Get Over It’: The Rage of Bereavement. The title is ironic and in inverted commas because in truth you never get over it, and often in some way your grief keeps your lovely partner alive, and close. One day you may be ready for, if not another partner, at least a close, female friend. But now isn’t the time even to consider that. I am so, so sorry.

My incontinent friend

I have a dear friend, also in her 80s, who I have learned has become incontinent. I have not seen her since the COVID-19 lockdown, and she lives about a half an hour away from me. After a previous visit to me, I did notice she’d left a damp patch and have since had the chair re-covered. Now that we are able to travel more freely, I feel I should invite her. What should I do? Name and address supplied Do you have a chair that’s wooden, or covered with a plastic or wipeable material, to which you could direct your friend?

Otherwise, place a plastic bag over a chair and cover it with the cheapest cushion or material you can find – in local markets they cost hardly anything.

Choose something you’d be prepared to wash or throw away. Then pin the material to the chair with a staple gun or, if you don’t have one (but it’s an incredibly useful piece of equipment, anyway!), then just tack it loosely underneath. Or, if it’s an upholstered chair, you could push the edges down the sides. If, when she rises from the chair, her skirt is damp, then wring your hands in horror, full of apologies, pretending to worry that she might have sat on something wet. Then, one hopes, she’ll admit to the problem with a big apology and you can make a joke of it and offer some helpful suggestions, such as that she wear pads, at least while she’s out.

Don’t mask your troubles

As I live on my own and most of my friends are still too frightened to go out, my only pleasure these days is going out to the shops and communicating at least with the local shopkeepers. I know their children, and the problems they have, and we have long chats. But, in a face mask, I can’t do this. I can’t read their expressions or even, sometimes, recognise them. I feel faint with breathing in all that carbon dioxide and their voices are muffled. Does this government know what a smile can do? It can support me, at least, for hours. Are there any see-through face masks that might be helpful? Gwen G, Thurrock I’ve looked, almost in vain. I did find one – but, two months later, it still hasn’t arrived from the Ukraine. I’d try a face shield instead. They may not be strictly within the rules, but they’re better than nothing and I think you’d get away with it. At least you’d be trying. It’d be a brave person who’d tick you off and the chances of your being prosecuted would, I imagine, be almost nil. Alternatively, see your doctor and ask if he or she can give you a note explaining that a mask makes you so distressed that you’re getting depressed and can’t sleep. Worth a shot.

Please email me your problems at problempage@theoldie.co.uk; I will answer every email – and let me know if you’d like your dilemma to be confidential.