Ask Virginia Ironside
Q The joy of foreplay
I was startled when my beloved 23-year-old granddaughter suddenly said, ‘Granny, I can’t imagine how you coped without the Pill.’ I couldn’t stop laughing! I think we managed perfectly well, thank you. In the fifties – I am now 84 – our sexual knowledge was pretty scant because we were all terrified of getting pregnant. But we all indulged in a fair amount of snogging, necking, canoodling as it was known and downright heavy petting. I find it rather sad that the young become ‘heavy’ so quickly and move in with each other so rapidly. I loved playing the field. It had its ups and downs, but Mr Right turned up when I was 29 and we lived happily till his death in 2006. Name and address supplied
AI think you’re talking about foreplay – a word I’ve always found rather yukky. On examining why, I discover that it’s because it implies that the cuddling and kissing and snogging etc are not ends in themselves – that by definition they’re only a precursor to a determinate sexual act. Indeed, the ‘fore’ in the word implies that it’s something rather dreary, like having to prepare the walls with sanding and primer before actually getting down to the fun of painting them. But so-called foreplay was an end in itself when we were very young – and for many older people it’s a wonderful way of continuing a sex life that doesn’t necessary end in some kind of climax. Travelling can sometimes be as good as arriving. We oldies know how to experience this kind of intensely exciting sexual pleasure and have it to return to in later years. And, rather than rage at the loss of sexual powers and shut up our sexual shops completely, we should feel lucky that we know blissful sexual pleasure is available without necessarily going all the way.
Forgive thy neighbour Q
I was astonished when shopping the other day to bump into a neighbour I hardly know who rather sharply told me that I owed her £200! It turned out that my email had been hacked, and on getting an email apparently from me, asking – because of some bank problems – for a voucher for my nephew for a present and promising to pay her back, she’d paid up! I honestly don’t feel I should pay her anything. I wouldn’t dream of falling for anything like this. And I’m a successful, selfreliant, single woman who has never asked for money in my life! Why didn’t she pop down the road and ask if it was kosher, anyway? I’ve now changed my email. But what do you think I should do? Barbara Grant, by email
A
Did you, the moment you’d found out, email everyone in your address book apologising for being hacked? That would have made your position stronger, as it would have shown you had concern for the victims rather than just for yourself. If you didn’t, then make the point that no one else in your address book fell for such an obvious con, and ask how she could possibly have believed you’d be asking her, almost a stranger, for money. And especially for such an unnecessary cause – after all, it wasn’t as if the scammer implied you were starving. Ask why she didn’t pop down the road to check. In the end, though, just to keep the peace, why not suggest saying you’d be happy to split the difference? You would then at least be occupying the moral high ground.
Spike Milligan’s last laugh Q
I read the letter about a widow’s worrying about her husband’s choice of My Way at his funeral. It reminded me of Spike Milligan who, in his autobiography, said he’d told Harry Secombe, ‘I hope that you die before I do because I don’t want you singing at my funeral.’ Well, Secombe did die before Milligan, but the families decided that a recording of Harry singing should be played at the chapel at Spike’s funeral. I love that!
D D, by email
A
Very nice! I don’t like the idea of people laying down the law in advance about what should be played at their funerals, anyway – do you? Funerals are for the living, not the dead.
Mask exemption explained Q
To add to the masks debate: you can be lawfully exempt from wearing one for a variety of reasons, such as breathing difficulties, anxiety etc, and you don’t have to explain or even prove it. You just say you’re exempt, and if anyone (other than the police or a PCSO) asks further questions, it is an offence under the disability discrimination act.
Georgia M, Hereford
AThanks, Georgia. More information can be found on the nomasks.info website. Another useful website, if you’re dubious about the sense of what’s been going on for the last few months, is lockdownsceptics.org.