Apprentice mob know burger all
EVERY year you think the selfpromoting know-it-alls on BBC1’s The Apprentice couldn’t get any more stupid or obnoxious.
Yet every year they surprise us. “I’m going to throw people under the bus and over the bus,” bragged business analyst and semi-pro hip-hop dancer Jeffery Wan. Start with yourself mate!
The Apprentice class of 2017 don’t disappoint in the idiot department.
Led by cosmetic entrepreneur Danny, the boys spent most of the first episode deciding on their name, Team Vitality.
“It sounds like something you take before you go on a date,” spluttered an unimpressed Lord Sugar. The girls settled on Team Graphene. “Like a Northern energy drink with gravy in it,” he snarled.
Their first task was to flog burgers. From the start, common sense was as scarce as life experience for this lofty lot.
The lads looked like they were on to something with their healthy buffalo and turkey burger concept. But their production line went at a snail’s pace and they wrongly labelled products organic.
The girls’ luxury burgers contained cheap chicken cuts and were drenched in water thanks to a miscalculation from kooky florist Elizabeth. “I’m the pottiest person in the room but also the most clear headed,” she squealed.
With the guys heading for Brixton and the girls desperately touting their wares in Canary Wharf, battle lines were well and truly drawn.
But Brixton was deserted and there was more beef than a herd of cattle between Elizabeth and Siobhan as the girls went to war over the grill. It was a miracle no one got food poisoning.
With the clock ticking, Team Graphene were forced to chase customers, screaming “come ’ere, come ’ere”.
Meanwhile the boys conducted an open air postmortem on what had gone wrong before they’d technically timed out.
Back in the boardroom it was clear no one had covered themselves in glory. The luxury burgers “looked more like a constipated tortoise” according to Lord Sugar. His biggest put- downs were reserved for the hapless boys, who made a £114 loss. “That is diabolical,” was his verdict. It was hard to disagree.
So Danny was in the hot seat and had to bring two fellow apprentices with him to face the music. The dodgy duo were Penfold lookalike Charles – who preferred spending hours on a pricing strategy to getting his hands dirty – and barrister Elliott. In the end Danny got the chop. “Less a burger king and more Mr Wimpy,” as Lord Sugar said.
Next week the remaining 17 candidates will tackle interior design for hotels. Call me a cynic but I’d rather take my chances in a dodgy B&B than stay in the penthouse suite of Chateau Apprentice.
The ratings for episode one weren’t great so unless they buck up perhaps Lord Sugar will be hearing the words “You’re Fired!” himself. TVT VILLAIN OF THE WEEK appeared i in the unlikely form of pretty fashion assista assistant Jade on Channel 4’s First Dates. Her pairing with part-time wrestler Lewis was a perfect mismatch. She hates gyms, he liv lives in them. She loves chicken nug nuggets, he’s into healthy food. Could opp opposites attract? Spoiler alert – no! W Warning signs were there as Jade IT was Pie Week Off and on Channel 4’s Bake four around cooks had to design Kate based a central theme. Scouser on the faces of her her pastry toppings Albert Einstein, heroes – John Lennon, Shakespeare. Amelia Earhart andWilliam bad to worse . But things went from Lennon’s eyes,” “I’ve just ruined John looks more wailed Kate . “He Somelike Liam Gallagher.” to times you’ve just got roll with it. tried to choose for Lewis. “You should get the ribs, babe. And we’re gonna share!” Self-appointed “princess” Jade spent the main course on her phone before assuring Lewis, “I’ll be two seconds…” – but telling waitress CiCi she was doing a runner. Lewis got hit with the bill,but dodged a bullet. I had a date recently that made this like Love Story. If you’re reading, don’t call.