Ap­pren­tice mob know burger all

The People - - LIFESTYLE -

EV­ERY year you think the self­pro­mot­ing know-it-alls on BBC1’s The Ap­pren­tice couldn’t get any more stupid or ob­nox­ious.

Yet ev­ery year they sur­prise us. “I’m go­ing to throw peo­ple un­der the bus and over the bus,” bragged busi­ness an­a­lyst and semi-pro hip-hop dancer Jef­fery Wan. Start with your­self mate!

The Ap­pren­tice class of 2017 don’t dis­ap­point in the id­iot depart­ment.

Led by cos­metic en­trepreneur Danny, the boys spent most of the first episode de­cid­ing on their name, Team Vi­tal­ity.

“It sounds like some­thing you take be­fore you go on a date,” splut­tered an unim­pressed Lord Su­gar. The girls set­tled on Team Graphene. “Like a North­ern en­ergy drink with gravy in it,” he snarled.

Their first task was to flog burg­ers. From the start, com­mon sense was as scarce as life ex­pe­ri­ence for this lofty lot.

The lads looked like they were on to some­thing with their healthy buf­falo and turkey burger con­cept. But their pro­duc­tion line went at a snail’s pace and they wrongly la­belled prod­ucts or­ganic.

The girls’ lux­ury burg­ers con­tained cheap chicken cuts and were drenched in wa­ter thanks to a mis­cal­cu­la­tion from kooky florist El­iz­a­beth. “I’m the pot­ti­est per­son in the room but also the most clear headed,” she squealed.

With the guys head­ing for Brix­ton and the girls des­per­ately tout­ing their wares in Ca­nary Wharf, bat­tle lines were well and truly drawn.

But Brix­ton was de­serted and there was more beef than a herd of cat­tle be­tween El­iz­a­beth and Siob­han as the girls went to war over the grill. It was a mir­a­cle no one got food poi­son­ing.

With the clock tick­ing, Team Graphene were forced to chase cus­tomers, scream­ing “come ’ere, come ’ere”.

Mean­while the boys con­ducted an open air post­mortem on what had gone wrong be­fore they’d tech­ni­cally timed out.

Back in the board­room it was clear no one had cov­ered them­selves in glory. The lux­ury burg­ers “looked more like a con­sti­pated tor­toise” ac­cord­ing to Lord Su­gar. His big­gest put- downs were re­served for the hap­less boys, who made a £114 loss. “That is di­a­bol­i­cal,” was his ver­dict. It was hard to dis­agree.

So Danny was in the hot seat and had to bring two fel­low ap­pren­tices with him to face the mu­sic. The dodgy duo were Pen­fold looka­like Charles – who pre­ferred spend­ing hours on a pric­ing strat­egy to get­ting his hands dirty – and bar­ris­ter El­liott. In the end Danny got the chop. “Less a burger king and more Mr Wimpy,” as Lord Su­gar said.

Next week the re­main­ing 17 can­di­dates will tackle in­te­rior de­sign for ho­tels. Call me a cynic but I’d rather take my chances in a dodgy B&B than stay in the pent­house suite of Chateau Ap­pren­tice.

The rat­ings for episode one weren’t great so un­less they buck up per­haps Lord Su­gar will be hear­ing the words “You’re Fired!” him­self. TVT VIL­LAIN OF THE WEEK ap­peared i in the un­likely form of pretty fash­ion as­sista as­sis­tant Jade on Chan­nel 4’s First Dates. Her pair­ing with part-time wrestler Lewis was a per­fect mis­match. She hates gyms, he liv lives in them. She loves chicken nug nuggets, he’s into healthy food. Could opp op­po­sites at­tract? Spoiler alert – no! W Warn­ing signs were there as Jade IT was Pie Week Off and on Chan­nel 4’s Bake four around cooks had to de­sign Kate based a cen­tral theme. Scouser on the faces of her her pas­try top­pings Al­bert Ein­stein, he­roes – John Len­non, Shake­speare. Amelia Earhart andWil­liam bad to worse . But things went from Len­non’s eyes,” “I’ve just ru­ined John looks more wailed Kate . “He Some­like Liam Gal­lagher.” to times you’ve just got roll with it. tried to choose for Lewis. “You should get the ribs, babe. And we’re gonna share!” Self-ap­pointed “princess” Jade spent the main course on her phone be­fore as­sur­ing Lewis, “I’ll be two sec­onds…” – but telling wait­ress CiCi she was do­ing a run­ner. Lewis got hit with the bill,but dodged a bul­let. I had a date re­cently that made this like Love Story. If you’re read­ing, don’t call.

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