The Narcissistic Knight

Chivalry is the order of the day in this light-hearted short story by Vanda Inman.

He might be wearing shining armour, but Ellie had her doubts about Pete . . .

PETE had told her to meet him at the picnic spot so they could walk to the re-enactment together. “Let’s make a bit of an entrance,” were his exact words. But there was no sign of him and she wondered if she was in the right place.

Weeds abounded, but with the prettiest yellow, pink and white flowers. Ellie thought it was beautiful.

Weeping willows bowed gracefully to the ground beside a tinkling stream, creating a welcome shade from the heat of the day. “Hi.”

A man appeared wearing a flowing purple cloak and floppy hat with a large feather in it.

“Are you OK?” he asked. “You look like a damsel in distress and it would be my pleasure to rescue you. If I was a knight, of course.”

He looked ruefully at his costume before bowing with a flourish.

“Ben, court scribe at your service.”

“I’m Ellie. My boyfriend told me to meet him here.”

“I hope he turns up soon,” Ben replied. “The re-enactment will be starting shortly.”

Ellie sighed. She’d almost hoped the cheerful Ben had come to rescue her. He seemed a lot more fun than Pete had of late.

Ellie put down the picnic basket and adjusted her costume.

When Pete had told her the society was staging a mediaeval re-enactment at a local summer fayre she’d been delighted.

Kings, queens and knights in shining armour had always seemed so romantic, and she’d spent ages making her dress.

It was green, with sleeves almost touching the ground, and a pointed waistline which hugged her slim figure. With her dark hair, Ellie really felt she looked the part.

“Aren’t you going to hire an outfit like everybody else?” Pete had asked when she’d mentioned making the costume herself. “Hired is always better than home-made.

“There’s going to be a competition where the best-dressed lady gets to choose her knight and they’re crowned King and Queen of the castle.”

Ellie had sighed, realising that being King for the day was the most important thing to Pete.

He’d changed in the few months they’d been dating, from kind and attentive to self-centred, and she was struggling to remember what she’d first seen in him.

“Will you be making yours?” she began, already knowing the answer.

“Certainly not. I shall be the best knight there,” he replied with a flashy smile, “so don’t let me down.”

There was a clanking sound and Ellie turned to see a knight stumbling towards her.

His armour wasn’t shining so much as tarnished and looked sucpiciously rusty in places.

“Pete.” Ellie jumped up. “You look . . .”

The knight in tarnished armour clanked towards her and Ellie couldn’t help thinking he was more like the Tin Man from “The Wizard Of Oz” than anything from a fairy tale.

She also noted that the outfit looked decidedly home-made and felt pleasantly surprised that Pete had made his own costume, too.

The knight in tarnished armour stopped and pointed at his helmet.

“What?” Ellie jumped up. “Your helmet’s stuck?

A string of muffled words sounded from inside, but Ellie couldn’t work out what he was saying.

She gave the helmet a sharp tap and the visor flew up.

It wasn’t Pete after all. “Sorry about that.” The knight pulled off his helmet to reveal a wide grin.

“It’s been getting stuck all day. I might need to find an oil can or something.”

Ellie couldn’t help laughing.

“I think your costume’s fab. Did you make it yourself?”

The knight in tarnished armour grinned.

“Yeah. It’s mostly cardboard, but there’s a few bits of old saucepan to make it sound more authentic when I walk.

“But the spray paint isn’t really shiny enough and the visor wasn’t a good idea.” He paused. “Yours is great, too.”

Ellie smiled.

“I just hope my boyfriend likes it. He wanted me to hire one.”

“My girlfriend was the same, but where’s the fun in that? I hope she isn’t disappointed when she sees this.”

He gazed thoughtfully at the gardening gloves he was wearing for gauntlets.

“But faint heart never won fair lady, so they say, and I’ve done my best.

“She’s the one who belongs to the reenactment society. I’m Jason.”

“Ellie.”

“I’d better press on,” Jason continued. “I need to find an oil can.”

They both laughed and he clanked away.

“What on earth are you doing here?” A knight in shining, highly polished armour appeared. “I didn’t mean this picnic area. Look at the weeds.”

Pete gestured towards the flowers Ellie had been admiring earlier.

“Leave the picnic basket. There’ll be a burger van there.” Pete would have pulled her along if he hadn’t been hampered by the thick gloves of his armour.

“The fayre’s this way.” Ellie felt a flutter of annoyance at Pete’s attitude. Anyone could make a mistake, and there was no reason for him to act so tetchy.

Fifty yards along the path Ellie discovered a huge green area covered with colourful tents and flying flags.

Knights, ladies and horses abounded and a minstrel band played merrily.

“Soon they’ll be announcing the bestdressed lady,” Pete began. “She gets to choose her knight and they get to be the –”

“King and Queen of the castle,” Ellie finished with a sigh, as if she hadn’t heard it a hundred times before.

Pete glanced at her costume.

“Your dress isn’t too bad actually,” he admitted. “What do you think of my outfit?”

Ellie surveyed his armour, which shone. If he’d been in battle Pete would have dazzled his opponents to death.

“It’s . . .” Ellie began, but was cut short by Pete guffawing with laughter.

“Would you take a look at that.”

She turned to find him pointing towards the knight in tarnished armour, Jason. He was clanking along, a woman, presumably his girlfriend, at his side.

“I think he’s done a good job making his own costume,” Ellie replied.

“Now that’s what I call a proper costume,” Pete continued, admiring the woman’s outfit as they passed. “Hired, of course, and . . .”

Someone tapped Ellie on the shoulder and she turned to find the man she’d met earlier.

“Hello, again,” he began. “Remember me? Court scribe, Ben.” He smiled.

“The committee has asked me to convey the good tidings that they have selected you to be the lady of the castle on this fortuitous day.

“You’ve won. Streets ahead of anyone else, too. Come this way to the rostrum to choose your knight.”

“Really?” Ellie gasped. “Really.”

As she followed him, Ellie could feel Pete grinning behind her.

She could imagine him polishing his breastplate in readiness for receiving his crown as King of the castle.

“Lords and ladies,” Ben began. “It is time for the crowning of the King and Queen of the castle by last year’s King.”

He tapped a suspiciously 21st-century microphone which whined and made everyone wince.

The crowd gathered closer and there was a ripple of applause as last year’s King appeared, bearing a golden plastic crown studded with fake emeralds which flashed in the sunlight.

With minimum pomp and ceremony, he placed it on Ellie’s head.

“Queen Ellie,” Ben continued. “Please choose your King from amongst these brave knights.”

Ellie surveyed the crowd before her, which had fallen strangely silent, as if her decision really mattered.

She saw Pete, poised to join her, his armour shining in the sunlight.

With a sadness in her heart, she finally admitted to herself that the saying was true. All that glitters was not gold.

The person lurking beneath the shining armour was someone she didn’t like very much.

She saw Jason and knew that beneath his homemade costume lay a heart of gold.

Just those few minutes they’d spent together at the picnic area had shown her that what she wanted in a man was kindness and heart, just like the Tin Man.

For what seemed an age Ellie waited, until finally

Ben touched her arm.

“You really must decide on your King,” he whispered. “They’re all waiting.”

Ellie nodded. She knew what she wanted to do.

She glanced across at Jason and noticed he’d found an oil can, making him look more like the Tin Man than ever.

Ellie turned to Ben. “I choose . . .”

Before she’d finished, Pete began pushing his way through the crowd, light emanating from his armour, causing one or two people to surreptitiously put on their sunglasses.

Ellie glanced towards Jason, then to Pete, and back to Jason.

Then something happened which changed her plans entirely.

****

“You weren’t supposed to choose me, you know,” Ben commented as they sat together by the stream eating Ellie’s picnic.

Ellie laughed and for the first time in ages she felt free to be her own person.

“I had to,” she replied. “I couldn’t choose Pete. All he thinks of is himself. I was going to choose Jason until I saw his girlfriend lift his visor and kiss him on the cheek.

“I saw such love in the gesture and realised I was out of order even to think of choosing him. So I chose you. It was OK, wasn’t it?” Ben laughed.

“It was fine, and very chivalrous of you, too. At least it made for a bit of excitement. Some of their faces were a picture.

She knew that beneath his costume lay a heart of gold

“They are rather stuck in their ways.

“But we had to hand the crown to a real knight and his lady, and Jason and his girlfriend were the best choice. They’re a nice couple, too.”

Ben, looking attractively modern in his T-shirt and jeans after dumping the cloak and feathered hat, reached over and picked a small bunch of flowers.

“I hope you don’t mind that they’re weeds,” he began. “Or that I’m not a knight in shining armour.

“But I think they’re lovely. Buttercups, morning glory and rosebay willowherb.”

“Real knights in shining armour always come in disguise,” Ellie replied.

****

“What we should really do is ride away into the sunset on your trusty steed,” Ellie said later.

They’d spent the remainder of the afternoon sitting by the stream. Ellie couldn’t remember being so relaxed.

“Your wish is my command,” Ben replied. “Well, almost. I have a motorbike at home.

“It’s not exactly a horse, but it’s shiny and doesn’t eat as much.”

Ellie laughed.

“That sounds like a truly happy ending to me,” she replied.

The End.