A p45 would be the ideal present

Chief sports writer Alan Swann shares his views

It’s the last column before Christmas so tradition dictates I organise some presents for those I write about on a weekly basis. Here are my gifts to them... Gary Lineker (right): A p45 from the BBC after his horror performance at the awful Sports Personality Show of the Year (SPOTY) awards show. Smug, rude and incompetent (announcing Ben Stokes as the winner before voting had started) he must be the worst value presenter on TV.

Lewis Hamilton: A SPOTY replica winners trophy as he was robbed by the silly public and a contract with Ferrari so he can prove he is the best F1 driver in the world and not just one with the fastest car. If he really fancies testing himself he should join Williams.

Andy Murray: A bionic hip. Watching tennis just won’t be the same without him. He’s been my favourite sportsman of the decade, just ahead of Lee Tomlin.

Roger Federer: A happy retirement. The great man is showing signs of decline and I want to remember him at his best.

Gary Lineker, Gary Neville and any other sports star arrogant enough to venture out of their comfort zone:

A Boris, ‘get Brexit done’ mug and a gag big enough to quieten big gobs. These minor celebrities haven’t cottoned on yet how many votes they actually lose when they get political.

Mo Salah & Sadio Mane: Some strings to hold them up. I’m sick of seeing them tumble under the slightest of contacts.

Michael Oliver: A year’s subscription to Specsavers after his terrible decisions in the Liverpool v Man City (an obvious penalty denied) and Manchester United v Everton games (a goal allowed despite a clear foul on the goalkeeper).

VAR officials: The courage to overturn awful on-field decions by colleagues.

Darragh MacAnthony: the signature of his favourite player Marcus Maddison on a new Posh contract.

Gareth Southgate: John Stones and Michael Keane turning into Bobby Moore and Tony Adams overnight. There’s no hope of tournament glory with his current England defence.

Eddie Jones: The sack. He was hired to do one job and given unlimited resources to do it, but he failed.

Sean Dyche: An hour with Pep Guardiola on how to play the beautiful game.

Rory McIlroy: A putting stroke reliable under pressure in the Majors.

Darren Ferguson: One creative midfielder to ensure that top six spot for Posh, and maybe even better.

Martin Tyler: A video of football commentary by Barry Davies who concentrated on what was going on in front of him rather than bantering badly with the star name alongside him. In fact Davies and Brian Moore had the eloquence and vocabulary to work on their own.

Joe Root: Half of Mike Brearley’s brain. He might then stop talking about beating Australia Down Under which is never going to happen under his leadership.