What do Dalmore prawns think of the Mallaig contest?

Well done to the organisers of the Taste the Wild food festival which is going to show off the great foods of the West Highlands.

This is the initiative of the Road to the Isles Marketing Organisation and it will have a whole lot of good scran for us all to ogle, sniff, lick and chew. One of the events is a Scran and Dram ceilidh.

There is some menu. Salmon and mussels to start, then monkfish in a French sauce with scallop roe, venison in red wine and then a pearl barley and chanterelle risotto. I looked up the recipe for that and it says to add “porcini, chanterelles or hedgehogs, trimmed and chopped”.

Oh yeah, I do like my hedgehogs closely trimmed and finely chopped. Oh, there’s a mushroom called a hedgehog? Really? I thought ...never mind. To top it all off, the dessert will be Ben Nevis Whisky panna cotta. Oh heck, I have to get down there.

It all happens in Mallaig on September 10 where another event is a competition for anyone with tough and indestructible hands that can rip off shells without feeling pain or making agonising yelps that continue until long after the dessert is served – but maybe that’s just me. Yep, it’s the World Championship Prawn Peeling Championships.

Maybe the Hotel Brunswick in Australia will have something to say about that.

A few months ago, that hotel, on the shores of Byron Bay in New South Wales, held the grand final of The Prawnies World Championship of Prawn Peeling. Hopefully, no one will tell them about the plans in Mallaig.

You know what these Aussies are like when they get upset. I’ve seen Crocodile Dundee, you know. There was a prawn peeling contest six years ago in Pennsylvania where they had to peel 15 prawns.

It was won by Leah Verri, age 87. Last month the Swedish Prawn Peeling Championships took place in Strömstad. It is open to everyone so winner Inger Andersson, who had worked in a prawn processing factory, had a wee advantage.

Inger shelled 22 prawns in the fastest time of one minute and 40 seconds.

You know what I think? She took far too long. I have been watching the videos. Huh, I think the Stornoway squad of seafood processors should go down to Mallaig to show the world how it’s done. Just saying.

I have also just discovered that the Swedish record for peeling 22 prawns is one minute 19 seconds.

They believe that is a world record but they are a nation of timid people – not like the rough, tough types that are in charge of the Road to the Isles Marketing Organisation.

Talking of prawns, a lot of people may not know the yarn about the two prawns called Den and Christian which swam about in the sea off Dalmore for the last week. It wasn’t reported widely.

The pair were making the most of their last few days darting in and out between the legs of the Transocean Loser. They had heard on their news service, the BB Sea, that it was about to be pulled off the rocks. Not heard of BB Sea? It’s on the marine band. However, there were other big fish lurking there, like sharks, that were harassing the pair. Den, who was christened Dendrobranchiata, which means, er, prawn, but is a bit of a mouthful, was feeling low.

He said: “I don’t want to be threatened by predators. I wish I was a shark so I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.” Just then, the tall mast of the crippled rig attracted a bolt of lightning, as they do, which hit the surface and, boom, Den was instantly transformed into a shark.

Den was as delighted as any prawn could be. He glided hither and thither. Wheeee. But Christian was off in a flash in case he was gobbled up by his old mate. Everywhere Den went his old friends swam away when he came close. Den’s new menacing appearance was scaring them. He became depressed again.

Then, on Saturday, there was more electrical atmospheric activity over Carloway and, flash, another lightning bolt hit the surface and Den was turned back into a prawn.

He was as relieved as any swimming crustacean could be and shot off to find his mate Christian to tell him the news and buy him a cocktail. But Christian immediately hid in a tiny crevice under the grounded metal monster.

“I’m not coming out. I don’t want to be eaten. You’re a shark in disguise,” he shrieked. “But I’m not,” said his friend. “That was the old me. I’ve changed. I'm a prawn again, Christian.”

They believe that is a world record but they are a nation of timid people – not like the rough, tough types that are in charge of the Road to the Isles Marketing Organisation