The Flying Pigs

Bide at hame in yer punts – tae boost the economy

Tanya Soutar, local lifestyle guru

Idinna ken about yous, but I’ve teen much mair o’ an interest in politics since they cried this snap generational election. A lot o’ fowk is spikken aboot ‘voter apathy’, but I’m nae feeling that at aa. In fact, this time, I’m thinking I micht even ging and vote. I’ve registered and a’thing. It wis dead easy. I did it online during a boring bittie in River City.

I’m nae a fan o’ Theresa May. Faniver I see her I get the feeling that she’s totally furious aboot something but she’s nae gaan tae tell us fit it is – we’re gaan tae hiv tae work it oot for wirsels, and the langer it taks the angrier she’s gaan tae be. She looks like she’s hard work, ken fit I mean?

I quite like ’at Tim Fallon fae the illiterate Democrats. He seems nice, but it’s nae easy tae find oot his policies fan aa folk iver ask him is if he thinks things are sinful, or nae sinful. It’s like they’ve mixed him up wi’ the Archbishop o’ Canterbury.

My favourite een, though, is Jeremy Corbyn. I used tae hae a geography teacher cried Mr Spiers fa wis jist his double. “The Mannie Spiers the Beardy Weardy” we cried him. Till he went off on long term sick leave wi’ his nerves.

Een o’ Labour’s policy proposals fit really caught my eye is the idea o’ haein four mair bank holidays ivry year. It’s a good idea in principle but they hinna fully thought it through. I mean a day off for St Patrick’s Day I can jist about understand, but een fer St George’s day? In Scotland? Wise the heid, min!

Instead of pinning things tae lang-deid saints or notions o’ patriotism, fit Jezza needs tae dae is gie us four additional bank holidays that can be taen wi’oot notice, like fan ye’ve popped oot for a quiet een on a Sunday nicht fit has accidentally ended up wi’ a limbo contest in Cheerz Bar. Nae fuss, nae fanfare, nae films on the telly, jist the freedom tae bide at hame aa day drinking Irn-Bru and eating Quavers in yer punts. That’s fit’ll get this economy moving in the right direction!

View from the Midden; rural news with Jock Alexander from MTv (Meiklewartle Television)

It’s been a custodial wik in the village. There’s been a lot o’ winsome sighing gan on, iver since the local womenfowk seen the news aboot the citizen’s arrest o’

Gie us four additional bank holidays that can be taen wi’oot notice,like fan ye’ve popped oot for a quiet een on a Sunday nicht fit has accidentally ended up wi’ a limbo contest in Cheerz Bar

some vratch fa twis trying tae nick a moped in London toon made by a certain Tom Hardy. I thocht he wiz Buff’s loon, but it turns oot he’s an internationally kent Hollywood hunk. You may hiv seen him on BBC1’s Taboo swanning aboot in a stovepipe hat; playing baith the Kray twins, or haein respiratory problems as a Batman baddie.

Weel, as in art, so in life, for witnesses tell Tom sprinted lik a superhero o’er gairdens and through building sites, afore collaring the thief and frisking him for weapons. Mony questions spring tae mind fan readin’ aboot this, sic as “Fit wye did the wee scrote nae jist get back on the moped?” But fan asked fit happened, the star simply telt onlookers that he had caught the thief, files describing him in language fit I winna repeat, but fit can be found immediately efter the phrase “Trump Is A . . .” on the Nuart-inspired mural skited up on the side o’ Skittery Wullie’s piggery.

But I digress. Noo some fowk here in the village have been grumbling aboot how much Tom Hardy is noo being swooned o’er. Mainly the husbands of aa the wifies daein the swoonin’.

Even wir local community bobby was heard moaning. Efter aa, he’s caught loads of thieves in his time, and he disnae hae ony wifies drooling over him aboot it. Which I have tae say is understandable, fan ye look at wir community bobby next tae Tom Hardy. He’s nae sae much “hairt-throb” as “hairt-burn”. However, files mony of the mair pleiter-esque mannies o’ the village hiv felt a bittie pit oot by the comparison, ither locals hiv been inspired by Tom’s heroism. Inevitably, Tom’s biggest fan is also the maist masculine individual in Meiklewartle – I speak of course of Feel Moira, who has got her auld combat fatigues oot again and has been relentlessly pursuing ony wee kiddies foolish enough tae drap litter with Terminatorlike relentlessness.

The trouble is, Moira isnae satisfied wi’ a citizen’s arrest. She’s ower keen tae proceed tae the citizen’s trial, citizen’s conviction and citizen’s sentence of twa wiks hard labour mucking oot her byre! Cheerio! TOMORROW: RODDY PHILLIPS