Cashing in on grunny’s stash o aul’ thrupennys

Kevin Cash, Money-Saving Expert and king of the grips

The Government's crackdoon on counterfeiting could yet be a total boon. Twa days ago they replaced the (easily faked) £1 coin wi’ a funcy new 12-sided een, reminiscent of the aul' thrupenny bit. Very reminiscent, in fact. Thus is represents a significant windfall if, like me, ye happen tae hae a massive stash of aul' thrupennys.

It wiz actually a stroke o’ luck that I found them doon the back of my grunny's sofa files I wiz selling aff her aul’ furniture.

Fit a job Mick the Pill and me had getting it intae his van. Especially wi’ grunny still clinging on til it. But fan we turned it upside doon, she couldna maintain her grip, and that’s fan a cascade o’ aul' coins fell oot.

Noo I wiz jist gan tae use em to swick the 50p machines at Codonas, but thanks tae the design o’ the new pound coin my profit margin his doubled. I hiv identified ivery vending and ticket machine in the city that only accepts the new coins, and I’ll be hovering aboot them so that jist fan a peer stressed oot mum or harassed commuter is sterting tae shout and sweer fan their aul' pound coin disnae work, I will step in and allow them tae gratefully buy een of my life-saving thruppeny bits.

For one pound twenty. And that’s jist phase one. Brilliantly, all shopping trolleys are being unlocked files they're being adapted tae tak the new coins, fit will allow me tae liberate a load o’ the good eens (fae Sainsbury’s). Mick reckons that under cover o’ darkness we should be able tae tak aboot 50 at a time, as lang as we dinna ging roon ony corners on the wye hame.

Cover them wi auld cushions and and lash a couple of shoelaces to the front for steering, and voila – a range of low-cost mobility scooters for the thrifty pensioner.

Obviously, I’ll be offering een tae my grunny at a discount. She hisna been the same since she lost her sofa.

View from the midden – rural news with Meiklewartle TV’s Jock Alexander

It's been an insomniac wik in the village. I hiv hid trouble sleeping lately, and have found masel' wide awake a' nicht lang and forced tae coont sheep, fit disnae tak lang as they're in the room wi’ me.

Nae doot I wis influenced by the story in the paper aboot the quinie in Aiberdeen's fashionable Garthdee, fa sleepwalked tae Asda in her nightie and asked staff repeatedly fer a watermelon. Noo that's terrifying. Though it micht hiv been worse. Ye could’ve gan tae Lidl.

My nocturnal wideawakedness is nae fine. There's nithin tae dae. OK there's nithin tae dae in the day either, but at least it's licht. But in the dead of night, oh me, the mind races, and the hours crawl by like Feel Moira’s Massie Ferguson at the heid o’ a great queue o’ toonsers on the A96.

So, I have jist pit on my TV tae check oot Skittery Willie’s recommendation aboot the, em, specialist channels up in the 900s, ( jist oot o’ curiousity, ken?) and I've found masel on the 24 Hour News, far there’s a heated discussion aboot Brexit.

And, deeply important and divisive issue that it is, it’s fairly got my eyelids drooping. If Zeinab Badawi can jist stick tae this topic, I’ll be drapping aff in nae time; possibly even wi’ my heed falling ontae the keyboard, richt in the middle of my hdgifeihfjf&@ji6

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who rocks

Ialways sometimes feel bad when a manager gets put under the periscope by the press, like current Scotland boss Gordon Strachan. So there was not no one more relieved than what I was when Gordo's men got a late winner against the Slovenly at the weekend.

After a draw against Canada on Thursday and 88 goalless minutes on Sunday, things wasn't looking good for Gogsy. But, when push come to shovel, up steps Scotland striker and Coldplay frontman Chris Martin to throw Strach a pipeline.

Scotland's next opponent doesn't come much bigger - England! Seeing as how a rock star got us 3 points last time, I think Gordo should be scouting the charts to find our next match winner. And I think I've got an idea who it should be. With his ginger hair and tattooed arms, I've never seen no-one look more Scottish than Ed Sheeran!

“But in the dead of night, oh me, the mind races, and the hours crawl by like Feel Moira’s Massie Ferguson at the heid o’ a great queue o’ toonsers on the A96