Pub talk
Breakfast in the local... a light-hearted look at how the Lions unite the country
It was at half time as the Lions led only 12-10 against the Maori All Blacks that Bob the Teach had his brainwave. “I see poor old Ross Moriarty has been sent home with a bad back, can’t someone injure Warren Gatland and then we could send him home and call for Eddie Jones to get the Lions playing proper rugby?”
A vastly improved second half sees Gatland survive any further wishes of personal harm but it has to be reported that the pervading atmosphere in West Molesey’s Royal Oak is one of deep foreboding over the eggs and bacon as the first Test looms.
“We’re going to get mullered,” says Chalkie. “Did you see those All Blacks against Samoa?”
Landlord Geoff ‘Shrek’ Nordemann has a simple answer. “Don’t keep kicking the ball away. We’ve got wide men with speed, let’s try and use them.”
One of those wide men, George North, hands the Maori the opening try, allowing the ball to skid from his fingers as he goes to ground to smother a chip ahead.
“He doesn’t seem with it,” says the Silver Fox. “He’s not on the same page. Just as well for him that Liam Williams has been having a mare of a tour as well.”
Jonathan Davies briefly lifts spirits with a thunderous run that is cut short of the line.
Laughing Gaz: “There’s no-one on his shoulder, either side. North should be up with him not five yards away. The All Blacks would have eaten that chance.”
Shrek: “At other times when the Lions try to break, the ball is either too slow from the breakdown or the fat boys in the forwards are in the way and they would have to throw looping passes to get it out to the danger men. Battering it up the middle and constantly kicking is not going to worry New Zealand.”
Maori fly-half Damian McKenzie flicks his rictus grin as he prepares to slot another penalty for 12-10 to the Lions.
Bob the Teach: “Think he must be spotting himself on the big screen behind the goal.”
Chalkie: “Or it’s a secret sign to his girl-friend about later tonight.”
Bob the Teach: “This isn’t great is it? I could imagine Eddie Jones throwing his toys out of the pram if England played like this.”
Taffy Taff: “Well it’s Wales 12 Maori 10 at the moment thanks to Leigh Halfpenny. Taulupe Faletau’s holding the forwards together and Jonathan Davies the backs. We’ll need Sam on soon and Ken Owens.”
Groans. Silver Fox: “I see then Taff that Warren has handed some more of your guys cheap shirts. What’s he got against the Scots? I think we should be told.”
Taffy Taff: “What’s anyone got against the Scots? It’s obvious isn’t it!”
Stuart Barnes on Sky: “The Lions are trying to cement their position.”
Chalkie, who you may have realised is no Barnes fan: “I’d like to cement your mouth.” Ben Te’o makes a good break and Davies has another run. But both are eventually held.
Shrek: “Nice to see a bit of flair at last but not so good to see them constantly cock it up.”
Taffy Taff: “Just glad to see that Jaco Peyper is refereeing the first Test.What with that Penalty try and all he seems to hate New Zealanders more than we do.”
Final whistle and it just remains for the pub brainstrust to pick its Test 15.
Shrek: “Same as today. Has to be Itoje and Kruis in second row. Farrell won’t be match fit even if his quad has healed, so Sexton starts. North was poor but you know he can do something special.”
Taffy Taff: “Sam’s in for me at 6 and Owens at hooker of course. I think Farrell will recover so I’m playing him at 12. Te’o bustled well but he can’t pass. Sonny Bill could give him big problems.
“If Farrell’s not fit then Te’o has to start with Biggar on the bench.”
Shrek: “My bench is McGrath, Sinckler, Owens, Wyn Jones, Tipuric, Warburton, Webb and Daley. I’d love to see Daley given a chance, I’m sure he could burn them off outside if he went to centre or full-back.”
Laughin Gaz, not laughing: “I fear it could be a cricket score next week. Our set piece is OK, but we’re running around getting nowhere.”
Silver Fox: “It’s all on the day remember. Let’s just pray for a bit of rain. And remember the Alamo...”
Bob the Teach: “They all died.”