Danny is Eddie’s World Cup hero!
What will 2019 hold for rugby? Here are my predictions: The IRU announce a sponsorship deal with Johnson & Johnson, a leading producer of cotton wool.
A spokesperson said, “People sometimes don’t understand just how much cotton wool is required to wrap up leading players.
“It’s bad enough with Johnny, but the likes of Tadgh and Devon require hundreds of rolls of the stuff, and with the RWC just around the corner we’re building new warehouses in Limerick, Dublin and Belfast to cope with the extra demand.”
Rugby Australia announce they’re seeking a change to the Laws so that their scrum can have two tightheads and two looseheads. They feel that if this is allowed they will be able to compete with any threeman front row and it will make for more entertaining rugby.
The New Zealand RU announce that the All Blacks will travel straight to London after RWC2019, and will take part in a Strictly Come Dancing Rugby Special. As part of the marketing of the event they’ve promised that before each RWC game they will preview a different dance, and we’re promised a ‘very special American Smooth haka’ if they get to the final.
Craig Revel Horwood and Bruno Tonioli are appointed as Consultant Haka Coaches, and a players’ strike is narrowly averted by the last-minute addition of Dame Darcey Bussell to their ranks. Kieran Read says Darcey brings something different to the mix.
The South African RU announce that from Jan 1, 2020 all of their ‘home’ games will be played at Twickenham, as by then all of their squad will be based in England or France. The RFU announce that the new East stand will be renamed the BBB Stand, after Biltong, Bobotie and Boerewors.
The Scottish RU announce that World Rugby have approved a special registration plan whereby any player who can sing the first verse of ‘Donald Where’s My Troosers?’ will qualify to play for Scotland.
A spokesperson said that anyone who paints their face blue and white, brings a DVD of Braveheart, and can mumble the words ‘I’ve just come doon from the Isle of Skye’ will receive a passport signed by Janette Krankie.
The WRU announce fixtures against Albania, Luxembourg and Andorra ahead of the RWC, and outside of the international window.
Warren Gatland says no-one should underesti- mate the strength of the opposition.
In an effort to ease concerns about big-spending in the Top 14, the FFR and LNR issue a joint statement announcing that the salary cap will be strictly monitored, and any club spending over their budget of €200M p.a. will be reprimanded. A spokesperson commented that no player can be paid more than €10M which should greatly ease concerns from Southern Hemisphere nations.
World Rugby announce they will allow referees to interpret the Laws in any way they choose, or even simply ignore them. A spokesman said this wasn’t a big deal as it was simply formalising the current situation – “We’re in the entertainment business, and the ref is the best person to decide what’s going to be most appealing to the broadcasters and paying punters.”
SANZAAR announce that Greenland and Mongolia are to be awarded franchises for the new Super 25 starting in 2020. Shares in Qantas, Air New Zealand, and South African Airways rocket.
The Six Nations committee vote on a proposal to play the tournament over ten weekends, despite objections from all parties. The English would prefer three weekends with a morning and evening game on two of them, while the Irish declare ten weekends is too tough a schedule for their players. Eddie Jones refers to the ‘Irish Snowflakes’.
The B&I Lions announce that in advance of their 2021 tour of South Africa, they would like to get the squad together on Jan 1, 2020. A spokesperson explains: “There is nothing in sport, or indeed in any aspect of life on this planet or beyond, more important than a Lions tour. The English clubs are, as usual, simply being intransigent in refusing to release their players for a mere 20 months.”
England win RWC2019, beating the All Blacks in the final, with an 80th minute Danny Cipriani drop-goal. Eddie Jones says it was always his intention to play ‘Cips’ in the final, as he has always considered him his number one stand-off: “How anyone could have thought differently is beyond me. I had you all going for a while though, didn’t I?’
Even if a few of those predictions don’t come true, here’s to a fantastic 2019 for everyone in the game. Happy New Year.
“Eddie Jones says it was always his intention to play ‘Cips’ in the final”