NEIL CLARK
NEALE HARVEY talks to former Chiefs front row Neil Clark about his post-rugby trauma
Rugby gave me so much but left me battered, broken and suicidal
Former Exeter hooker Neil Clark has shone a disturbing light on the post-rugby mental trauma he is suffering that led him to the brink of suicide two years ago. Clark, player of the year for Chiefs during their historic 2009/10 Championship-winning campaign, helped establish the club in the Premiership before heading for a French payday at Oyonnax in 2013, only for a neck injury to end his career.
Clark reveals how he has struggled with life after rugby and the depths to which he sank amid the constant pain he still endures as a result of the countless injuries and operations he suffered during 17 years as a professional.
At a time when his former side have scaled the heights by becoming European champions for the first time, the 39-year-old hopes telling his harrowing story now will inspire younger players to take more control of their own destinies and avoid the traps he fell into.
Clark, who had to quit in 2015, told The Rugby Paper: “It’s not all doom and gloom, but from a very personal perspective, it’s not been a great five years. Rugby’s a fantastic game and I’m grateful for the opportunities, but sometimes I hate how rugby left me.
“I had something like 15 injury operations – two ACLs, two ankles, four shoulder repairs, pins in my thumb, two surgeries on my neck among them – and I’ve got a head full of scars and spinal fluid in my neck. Some days I feel completely debilitated and can’t even get out of bed or put my socks on, so you can imagine how humiliating that feels.
“In 2013, I’d signed a threeyear deal at Oyonnax, but I hurt my neck in my second year against La Rochelle and it took the surgeon 20 seconds to look at my scan before he put his arm around me and said, ‘You’re finished, we must operate now for quality of life’.
“That was the start of my mental breakdown. To be told on the spot that I was done was pretty brutal. Oyonnax were really good and I’ll always be grateful to (head coach) Christophe Urios for ensuring my contract was honoured and keeping me involved, but it was very difficult to finish after being a pro for so many years.
“I was guilty of hiding behind drink quite a bit, which is very easy to do, and when rugby’s gone you can quickly get on a slide. For 17 years you’ve been told what to eat, what to wear, where to be and when, but that finishes and you’ve got no real direction.”
Clark invested money into Wheal Dream Holidays and Leisure, the golf and tourism complex he owns in Helston, Cornwall, and is now making a decent fist of. However, that did not stop him spiralling to rock bottom two years ago before stepping back from the brink.
Clark explained: “It pisses me off when you talk to people and they say, ‘My husband’s in the Navy or is an accountant and it’s just the same for them’. It’s not, though, is it, because they have a trade and invariably a solid pension, which most rugby players don’t.
“For a lot of boys there’s no real aftercare, which is something the game really needs to look at. All you end up with is a screwed-up body and a world of physical and mental pain. I don’t think anything could have prepared me for what I’ve been through because you go from being part of a good group of boys to never really speaking to them again.
“You maybe keep in touch with a handful, but generally you don’t have any releases or the identity you once had. I earned pretty good money in France and invested that in Wheal Dream, but I didn’t really know what I was doing. I made mistakes and, ultimately, living away put so much stress on my family relationships that eventually I just cracked up.
“It got to the point a couple of years ago where I was in agony from my rugby career but still trying to paint ceilings and dig holes, not even knowing if the holiday business was going to work, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I took myself down to Porthleven, stood on a cliff edge and flipped a coin – honestly, I was that close to ending it.
“I’m not really sure what pulled me back, probably the thought of my kids being without a father, but my brother and my wife managed to get together and forced me into seeing the doctor. I then got counselling and the RPA were really good, but it’s still tough.”
Clark adds: “I have good days and bad days. I’m trying to stay positive, trying to get into the gym each day and trying to surround myself with the right people while developing the business, because I’m proud of what we have here.
“Former Chiefs teammates Chris Bentley and Nic Sestaret have been amazing and I’ve had a few calls from other guys, which is great, but there’s a bigger picture here. As players we tend to keep things quiet and that’s why things fall apart.”
Clark believes younger players can benefit from hearing about his experiences and the daily pain he still endures as he awaits the next potential surgery on his neck.
He said: “Rugby’s an amazing game but I question where it’s going to go because lads now are so big, so strong and so quick, but we’re all made of the same stuff.
“My biggest advice to young lads now would be to listen to your body, and I probably speak for a high percentage of rugby players where, ultimately, coaches want to get you on the pitch and they’ll tell you you’re fit to train and play when really you know you’re not.
“There’s a reason why your body’s hurting so be brave enough to stand up for yourself – and I’m saying that because I was one of those guys who wasn’t brave enough. You think you’re indestructible and can just fight on through it, but the truth is you can’t.
“Regardless of the club – and I’ve played for Bristol, Bath, Exeter and Oyonnax – you’d play and train when you weren’t fit and do it again and again, smashing into scrum machines or live mauls. Yes, that’s what we get paid for, but there’s a price to be paid.
“I’m waiting for a diagnostic on my neck to see if they can burn the nerves and reduce the pain, but in the meantime I’m really struggling. People have no idea, you’re in your late 30s and should now be in the prime of your life, but some days I can hardly move.”
As he seeks lasting relief, one considerable ray of sunshine for Clark has been seeing his old Chiefs side powering to European glory. He added: “I owe Rob Baxter the world. At Bristol, I’d been around the England squad and pushed Mark Regan hard, but I snapped my ACL and bang, I was released from my contract in 2007. I was going to quit before Rob persuaded me to put the boots back on.
“It’s a fantastic club. I was players’ player of the year when Exeter won promotion in 2010 and we had to really dig in during those first couple of years after promotion but I’m really proud to have played my part back then.”
“You think you’re indestructible and can just fight through it but the truth is, you can’t”