Do keep up – unless it’s fast-talker Dustin Brown facing the press pack

Andy Murray’s opponent yesterday, Dustin Brown, has a fast serve but it’s not the speediest part of his game. When he sits down to speak, post-match, Wimbledon’s stenographers tense up.

“He can talk at 340 words per minute and is easily the fastest of all time,” said Magic Fingers.

“He can make you cry. Or, as one of my colleagues prefers: he can make your butt sweat.” Magic Fingers – not his real name – revealed some more of the challenges of his profession: “It’s the second-oldest profession, don’t you know – just behind prostitution.

“James Blake was fast. Greg Rusedski was fast when he was angry. Monica Seles was always fast.

“Novak Djokovic can be what the French call ‘bavard’ – verbose. But

0 Brown has on occasion hit 340 wpm. Andy Murray is a dream. I’m not from your land and we have no problem with his Scottish accent or with his brother’s – Jamie is very spry.

“The only issue we have with your lingo is when some of the Scottish journalists ask questions. They remind me why in our country we needed subtitles for Trainspotting.”

And the inquiry that makes the stenographers groan?

“Oh that’s easy. There’s one journo – I won’t mention his name – who will begin: Can you take a moment to reflect on our great sport …” Yes, yes, Heather Watson, solid performance, few errors, but what about Love Island? Who’s your favourite? At the Brit’s post-win press conference, this question was sneaked in under the guise of “strategies for unwinding”.

“Well,” she said, “Montana is my favourite from the girls and I find Chris hilarious.” Chris, by the way – the Diary knows you don’t watch such dreck – was recently discovered, via some shower surveillance, to have the reality show’s biggest personality.