Cheeky little tip takes strain out of planking. . and life

I’m going to do Thai kick boxing,” says Youngest Child. “Oh, lovely,” I say, encouraging. “Yes, with Middle, he’s already booked it,” she says. “Excellent,” I say, and transfer the cash – cheap at half the price. They’ll be keeping fit, exhausting themselves and learning a bit of self-defence. And I’ll get some peace.

Saturday morning, the day of the first class arrives, and I’m still in bed when Middle appears in my room. “Right, are you ready?” “What for?” “Thai kick boxing.” “Ha, ha, right. That’ll be your sister you’re looking for.” “No. She’s gone camping in the Pentlands.” Oh yeah, dawn I think it was, when I was pressed into searching for a flask and pop-up tent before waving her off, retreating back to bed and wiping it from my memory.

I shout up the stairs for Eldest, he can go in her place.

“Nope. He’s gone to a party in Dundee,” says Middle. Already? He’s done that on purpose. “Come on, you come in her place,” he says. “What have you got to lose?” “My teeth? My dignity?” “It’ll be fine.” “No.” If I’ve learned one thing in life, it’s that it’s often not “fine”. “You’re not doing anything else.” “I’m resting.” “It’ll be something to write about.” Ah, my Achilles heel. That’s how I wound up on a Texan quarter horse that bolted when it was stung by a wasp, and in a shootout with Texas Pete at a Country and Western club near Barrhead. I’m tempted… “And you’ve paid for it.” Sold. All the way there I hang back, thinking I’ll see Middle in the door then run away, but he’s onto me, herding me in. Curses. It’s all right for him; he’s co-ordinated, fit and has previous martial arts experience. I’m not and don’t.

Middle can do press-ups, planks, something called burpies and sit-ups. I can lie face down on the floor and snigger.

Until a man who looks like death on two legs, planking next to me, leans over and says kindly (I think), “just push your arse cheeks together. Makes it easier”. Genius. Turns out it doesn’t just apply to the plank, but most things in life. Who knows, I might even go back. n