Working group scrutiny may be the best joke yet

Comment Andrew Arbuckle

Someone had sellotaped a message on the door. ‘Private Keep Out.’ You could hear the voices inside. First the measured tones of the Cabinet Secretary in his best Glaswegian lawyer voice asking, “Have we any ideas about what I should be saying to the farmers attending the NFU annual meeting next week?”

There was no immediate response but there seemed to be a large number of papers being shuffled. “Start with a joke,” suggested one anonymous civil servant who then spoiled any good will arising from that suggestion by adding that the previous holder of the ministerial brief, Richard Lochhead, always had some funny lines in his speeches before his malfunctioningcomputeritself went beyond any joke.

“I could tell them that in my previous life as a lawyer I was used to dealing with rogues and vagabonds, so I am quite suited to being Farming Minister,” came the politician’s response.

You could hear the civil servants shaking and quivering at this suggestion. “Wrong tone, minister – even if it has a ring of truth,” said one Scottish Sir Humphrey trying to keep his Minister on the straight and narrow path that politicians are allowed by civil servants.

“Give them the latest Scottish Food and Drink export figures. They always provide a feel good factor,” suggested another of the civil servants who then added, “The farmers think these export figures are all to do with beef, lamb and grain. We all know they are actually more to do with exports of whisky and they include a lot of traded items such as

0 The cost of hay and straw, however, is not so funny tea and Californian cookie biscuits which have next to nothing to do with farming.”

Another voice piped up, “While you cannot tell them the wonky computer is completely sorted it is, at least, not wheezing so badly now. Farmers have already had more than £300 million in interest free loans against last year’s subsidy claims.”

“Do I mention that a quarter of potential recipients for the loans could not be bothered filling in the forms?” queried the Minister. “Better not, even if it is true,” was the response with the latter part being sotto voce.

“Are you going to mention Brexit?” came an anonymous voice from the depths of the room. “Of course I am,” responded the Minister who then asked for a copy of last year’s speech at the same dinner as nothing of significance had been decided since then.

“I intend to blame the UK government for not providing”… At this point his voice was drowned by loud groans from those in the room all of whom appeared to have heard this line on a number of previous occasions.

Trying to get the discussion back on track, one of the senior civil servants piped up. “What about mentioning the improved income figures for last year?” Someone queried whether these would be issued in time but he was told they normally came out on the last day in January so the timing should be OK.

“And sympathise with them on the awful weather last year and the astronomic rise in the cost of hay and straw” added another voice only for someone else to warn not to fall into the situation the Irish government is now in having promised its farmers a transport subsidy to help them in their fodder crisis.

“But you need to give them some little reward. It is a tradition for Scottish Ministers to arrive at the NFU annual meeting with the agricultural equivalent of a little bag of goodies.”

“I have an idea,” announced a previously unheard voice. “Why don’t we announce that the Scottish Government will set up a Working Group to look at how effective all the other Working Groups we have set up in recent years have been? It would be a Super Working Group operating above all other Working Groups,” she suggested

Nothing further could be heard on account of the whoops of joy and relief that something definite would be announced.

Apart that is for another unknown suit to add, “And the findings of this latest Working Group could be announced at this year’s Highland Show; thus solving another problem.”

A new sign was sellotaped to the door. It said, “Gone for lunch”.