Spreadsheet Phil delivers no frills and no thrills in a bite-sized and sober spring statement

As ever, the Treasury forecast proved wide of the mark. We were led to expect 15 minutes of no-thrills, no-frills Phil as the traditional March Budget was replaced with a more bite-size and sober Spring Statement.

And while Mr Hammond more than delivered on the first two pledges, the 26-minute speech came in at nearly twice the expected time, prompting one bored MP to shout: “Get on with it!”

It was also pre-billed as an eco-friendly effort and the Chancellor certainly did his bit for recycling by trotting out an old joke about Labour counterpart John Mcdon- nell’s little red book as the first of what have become known as Phil’s Funnies.

Deciding to try to own the Eeyore nickname some on his own side have used against him, Mr Hammond berated the Labour benches for always talking the economy down and predicting recession by stating: “If there are any Eeyores in the chamber they are over there. I, meanwhile, am at my most positively Tigger-like today.”

Then, in a swipe at Culture Secretary Matt Hancock’s much mocked personal smartphone app, the Chancellor reeled off a list of world class UK products “including apps like Transferwise, Citymapper, Matt Hancock...”

But the opposition benches could not decide which of Phil’s lines was the funniest.

Their biggest chortles came when the Chancellor said: “Judge me on my record”, and then when he announced: “Since the Budget we have made substantial progress in our negotiations with the European Union.”

One of the sharpest exchanges came when Mr Mcdonnell attacked government MPS for behaving like “Tory bully boys” as he struggled to be heard.

Mr Hammond hit back at the shadow chancellor, accusing him of double standards for refusing to apologise to Work and Pensions Secretary Esther Mcvey for referencing a comment in which someone called for her to be lynched. As Mr Hammond was on his feet extolling the government’s record on cutting British jobless figures, American unemployment grew by one as US secretary of state Rex Tillerson was unceremoniously thrown out on his ear.

And while mega-millionaire Mr Tillerson is unlikely to need a restart scheme, the momentous event did serve to underline how the Spring Statement had succeeded in living down to its billing.

But, do not worry if you missed it, with the December Budget we should get the chance to experience the Phil of it all once again.