William A Graham
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The sign on the door of my office says ‘Allan Linton and Associates, Inquiry Agents’. That’s not entirely accurate ... There is only one associate, and I don’t pay him very much, or even very often, but I think ‘Associates’ sounds better and, who knows, maybe one day business will boom and I will have to go on a hiring spree. But, to be honest, that’s not going to happen any day soon; not where I do my inquiring, here in Dundee. It’s not exactly Los Angeles or New York – or even Glasgow.
When I tell people what I do for a living, the reactions are pretty much always the same. ‘You’re taking the piss, right?’ Or a variation thereof. Then, in somewhat sceptical tones, they add, ‘Are you like one of those private eyes on the telly, solving crimes and catching bad guys?’
The answer to both questions is, essentially, no. There is enough work, even in Dundee, for me to make a reasonable living, but I haven’t really solved any crimes and, though I do know some people who could be described as bad guys, I’ve never caught any of them. I leave that kind of stuff to the boys in Bell Street, the local headquarters of Police Scotland.
Most of the time I find people: people who owe other people money, people whose families don’t know where they are. I find them and I pass on the information that they are all right, or sometimes dead. I don’t tell the families where to find their missing relatives, or lovers, etc. Most of the missing people have a very good reason for buggering off in the first place. It’s up to them if they want to get back in contact.
On a few occasions, law firms have hired me to find an heir. One guy inherited over two hundred grand from some cousin he had never heard of. He couldn’t believe it. He blew the lot on drugs. Until his windfall all he could afford was some weed at the weekend. Three months later, he died with a needle in his arm. Some guys have all the luck.
About the author
William A Graham was born and raised in the west end of Dundee. He worked for a large publishing company in the city for more than 30 years, mostly editing children’s comics. Vermin is published by Black and White, £7.99.