Therapy: it’s all about clearing your mind and bank balance
Comedy writer and performer Cam Spence heads to Edinburgh this month with her character-led show about the world’s worst rehab centre, The Sunshine Clinic. Taking the roles of all the patients and the clinic owner, Janet, Cam gives the audience a unique insight into the ups and downs of the recovery game. But rather than tell you about it herself, Cam is letting Janet have her say…
Look at you there: reading. Word after word. It’s hard to stop at just one, isn’t it? How many words have you read today? What’s that, you’ve lost count? Probably a hundred, maybe even a thousand, and that’s before you’ve even had breakfast? Have you ever considered that you might be addicted to words? Well start considering it: you can’t even stop right now... you’re out of control! You’re an animal! Stop. STOP!
My name is Janet Waitrose (no relation), and I am the founder, director and inspirational therapist of The Sunshine Clinic Rehab Centre, recently named Recovery Magazine’s ‘Clinic Closest To The M4’! Over the last decade, I’ve treated tens and tens of patients who have money in their bank account, and the desire to spend almost all of that money on “getting better” in some vast, intangible, and largely unproven way. Whatever your situation: whether you’re so addicted to words you’re still reading this article, you’re being chased by a hitman for unpaid gambling debts, or you’ve recently taken up heroin after experiencing a harrowing war, I will help YOU at our exclusive private complex in sunny Swindon.
“Who is this stunning woman who’s about to change my life?” I hear you ask. Yes, I have the hairstyle of Anthea Turner, the skin of Prince George and the boundless sex appeal of One Direction but I’m so much more than that. I won businesswoman of the week in the local Gazette’s “400 At 40” edition celebrating the middle aged, I starred in Titanic to worldwide acclaim as Woman Falling Into the Ocean and I gave Tony Blair the idea of
going to war with Iraq when he popped in to use the toilets in Weatherspoon’s, Aberdeen.
So what do I – a person with so many skills, accolades and, probably, stalkers – know of addiction? You would think I’m surely not weak-minded enough to be an addict. You’d be wrong. In 2003, in a dark patch after my first divorce, I became desperately addicted to Beanie Babies. THEY WERE AN INVESTMENT I TOLD MYSELF. But in my flat were thousands upon thousands of the plastic pellet-stuffed toys; falling out of the drawers of my bedroom, study, and fridgefreezer. When I screen tested for The One Show and the Princess Diana Tribute Bear fell out of my knickers I knew it was time to check into rehab. Also my cocaine debts had just lost me my house so I needed somewhere to live. So to The Priory I went.
They say quitting drugs is hard, but what they don’t tell you is how BORING it is. Well I won’t let you sit around listening to so much crying and moaning that you start involuntarily booing. I trained in improvisational comedy, took a stand-up comedy course with 12-time stand up David Boring, and attended a clowning retreat to find my inner clown… she’s wriggly. With this wealth of expertise and my God-given personality, I’ve started a clinic that takes the sober out of sober. What more could you want? Check yourself in today!
Here is my unique Twelve Step Programme that awaits you:
Admit you’re a huge failure. Say it into the security cameras on the front gates and you’re in. Welcome to The Sunshine Clinic!
Cleanse yourself of all possessions. Things weigh you down and give you bad posture. I need you standing up straight and sucking in that stomach; we ask you to hand over all your valuables on entry. Don’t worry: wallets, genuine gold jewellery and any ladies designer footwear in a UK size six will be safe-guarded by me personally.
Inspire. In your normal life, you’re probably surrounded by a big bunch of losers who’ve never even tasted lobster (warning: those with porcelain veneers should avoid, the shell’s too crunchy). Those wasters are dragging you down, you need to be inspired by one of life’s great winners, so it’s time for me to share my incredible life story. In a seven hour harp-accompanied speech I share how I started my clinic in 1982 with two sticks for friends and a dream. People said I was too young, too unqualified, and too racist. But now I’m running the most overpriced rehab clinic in the country. This is a story that will move you to tears, if you’re someone who doesn’t mind ruining their eyelash extensions.
Take your top off. This is for the men in the group; to empower them and get them closer to ancient man. Those without anything resembling abs are encouraged to sit this out, and, if possible, to put on another top.
Inspire Part 2. Be inspired again, as I get the harpist back on stage to accompany me reading to you from my book: “How to Do Business: Bribery and Bitcoin.” The two founding principles are: never offer refunds and always invest in a gull winged door Ferrari.
Snag a celebrity autograph. Brighten up your day/ life and corner one with a pen when they’re having a reflective moment by the duck pond. Please remember our celebrity’s attendance at the clinic must be kept completely confidential, just as it has been for Michael Palin, Jez Butterworth, Holly Willoughby, Cara Delevingne, Micky Flanagan (hysterical!), and Malala Yousafzai.
Scream therapy. Scream it out: your devastatingly sad relationship with your father, your revoltingly unattractive body, or the fact that absolutely no one in the entire world likes you.
Watch Fleabag on BBC iplayer. The priest is gorgeous.
CBT: Cognitive Behavioural Torture. Every time you think about your addiction you’ll receive 30 lashes.
Have a lovely little walk around the grounds. Taking in the majesty of nature will distract you from worrying about why those lashes are taking so long to heal.
Watch me bring a small animal back from the dead in my weekly magic nights. Bring your pets.
Don’t check your bank balance. Whatever activity has occurred on the credit cards you gave me is a result of a decision I have made in your best interest.
If you’d like a taste of what we can offer, find me in car parking bay three tomorrow evening at our weekly wine tasting, or join me for a trial group therapy session every afternoon at the Edinburgh Fringe this month. No refunds!
Admit you’re a huge failure. Say it into the security cameras on the front gates and you’re in. Welcome to The Sunshine Clinic