Some most trustworthy visitor advice
Overtourism has been in the news. There are, we are told, too many visitors coming to places like Edinburgh and Skye, and this has led to the suggestions that less effort should be put into persuading people to come to Scotland – especially during the Edinburgh Festival.
The Scottish Tourist Board, now known by the somewhat peremptory title Visitscotland, is the body that most openly encourages people to come here. It publishes pictures of attractive parts of Scotland and suggests to impressionable people abroad that they will have a good time. They never mention midges or wind turbines, and indeed publish pictures of neither of these important features of the Scottish countryside.
Nor are they even-handed in their recommendations of places to visit. There are certain towns in Scotland that are never mentioned as suitable holiday destinations for overseas visitors. These towns know who they are, but rarely complain.
They should. The absence of a significant tourist industry in Airdrie, for instance, is a direct result of neglect on the part of Visitscotland.
There is another respect in which our tourist authorities let down the foreign visitor. That is their failure to publish clear guidelines on the sort of behaviour expected. Every visitor to a foreign country needs guidance in how to behave, and it is unfortunate that visitors to Scotland do not get this. For this reason, it might be useful to propose some hints for visitors during the tourist season.
Social greetings: Visitors should be told of the importance of introducing yourself to all those with whom you share transport. On boarding a bus, for example, it is important to shake hands with the driver and tell him where you come from. Showing him or her a few family photos is polite and much appreciated. This is more important than announcing where you wish to go.
Then, before taking your seat, you should introduce yourself to as many passengers as possible, always shaking hands. It is also important to stand as close to them as is possible, as this indicates friendliness, something that is much prized in Scotland. In parts of Scotland, particularly Glasgow (and Airdrie), if travelling on a bus after ten at night, you should also rub noses with your fellow passengers in a way in which is
seen in some South Seas cultures. It is not generally known that this ancient custom actually originated in Glasgow and was taken to the South Seas many years ago by Church of Scotland missionaries.
Conversation: On a train it is very rude not to speak to the person seated next to you. If you are unsure what to talk about, here is a suggested topic: politics – ask people how they voted in the 2014 referendum. Express yourself freely on that subject, people like that.
England: Scots are friendly and like to hear about the charms of their immediate neighbours. Fruitful discussions will follow if you confess that you can’t see the difference between England and Scotland. That is a good subject for whiling away a journey in amicable discussion.
Clothing: People in Scotland dress casually and generally speaking you will not risk committing a faux pas if you wear comfortable, practical gear. (Some parts of Edinburgh, particularly Moray Place Gardens, are dedicated nudist areas, where wearing clothing is discouraged.) It is considered courteous and culturally sensitive to buy and wear one of those tartan caps with a florid fringe of ginger hair, known here as the See You Jimmy Hat. These should always be worn if you have a tee booking at the Old Course in St Andrews or at Muirfield in Gullane. They are also de rigeur if you wish to attend morning service at St Giles’ Cathedral (where, always remember, it is customary to clap loudly after the Minister’s sermon).
If you are a man, you may wear a kilt if you wish, but remember that the kilt must always be worn bare-chested (like President Putin, whose grandmother, incidentally, came from the Isle of Lewis). A ceremonial machete is worn in the sock – this is known as a sgian-dubh. You may need to source a machete yourself. On the subject of kilts, there have been important social changes in Scotland of which the visitor may be unaware. One of these is that men have stopped wearing kilts as a form of national dress. Kilts are now worn almost exclusively by men who a wish to make a personal lifestyle/identity point. Any bekilted man, then, should be addressed as ‘Madam’. ‘Darling’ is also an acceptable term of address, especially if the kilted one is in uniform, for example, serving on guard duty at Edinburgh Castle.
Tipping: It is rude to tip anybody in Scotland. Indeed, in recognition of the long tradition of Scottish egalitarianism, it is customary to deduct ten per cent from the bill when you pay it. If the service has been particularly good, then this deduction becomes 12 to 15 per cent. It is customary for waiters and others to express surprise, but this is a token reaction and may be safely ignored.
In Aberdeen, bartenders and taxi drivers enjoy being teased about their city’s entirely unjustified reputation for stinginess. Enter into the spirit with any jokes you may know about moths in purses etc. Remember, of course, that Aberdeen is in a Gaelic-speaking area and so do try to use a few words of Gaelic while you are there.
These are only a few general guidelines. Visitscotland will shortly be issuing a more complete pamphlet containing even more useful advice for tourists. Read carefully.
Tourists! Welcome my friends! I’ve got some very helpful and not at all dodgy tips for you, writes Alexander Mccall Smith