If you have a favourite serial killer, then it’s time to worry
Stand-up Rhys James is looking to make a killing at the Fringe with his show inspired by true-crime podcasts. Murder is big business and I want in, he says
Well, this is fairly bold as far as opening statements go, but: there is absolutely no escaping murder.
It’s just about the most popular crime punishable by life imprisonment there is. People absolutely love the stuff. If you so much as yell out the word “homicide” in a crowded area at least three people will perform a silent chef ’s kiss to themselves, and someone in a lanyard will ask for “a word”. It’s not necessarily the act of murdering, or of being murdered that does it for people (although we all wish for something when we blow out our candles) but as a form of entertainment and social activity, murder is everywhere.
I’m remiss to say something like “it’s on our screens, it’s in our headphones, frankly, it’s all around us” because that is the sort of thing a 39-year-old web journalist who drinks six litres of water a day would say, but unfortunately that statement is true. Murder is on our screens, it’s in our headphones, frankly, it’s even on our slightly smaller screens sometimes.
Ever since the boom of podcast Serial, in which listeners are convinced a convicted killer is perhaps just an innocent victim of the justice system while simultaneously being advised to use the services of mass email service Mailchimp, podcasts and TV programmes in this genre have grown, let’s say, a thousand-fold or whatever. We’ve become so immune to the shock of the subject matter, people will now frequently talk about their favourite serial killers on a first date, and hopefully someday, on First Dates.
There’s now even a popular podcast called My Favourite Murder, where two American women describe in vicious detail the horrific events leading up to them arriving
at their podcast studio that week, before delving into some old murder stories. If you listen closely enough to these shows you can establish what mistakes the killers make in failing to cover their tracks and learn what not to do if you yourself wish to get away with a good old fashioned bludgeoning. It’s safe to say this genre is creating a generation of flawless, untraceable killers, with fantastically formatted mail-outs that put your audience first and really bring your brand to life.
These podcasts are not just educational. All the murders discussed on these things are real, hence the name True Crime, or ‘Trime’.
That raises another question of morality. If you had been murdered, would you want two American women occasionally mentioning it between mattress adverts? Or would you be too embarrassed? Would you be OK with having talented orators you’ve never met using words like “mangled” and “bloody” to body shame you, with no right to reply yourself? Probably not, right? So, is it OK to use these murder stories for audio entertainment?
True Crime is also a popular genre on TV (the Netflix account your ex-boyfriend forgot you have the login for). This is what people like. True crime. None of that fake stuff or we’ll spit it back in your face like instant coffee. We want our crime to be true. We want our porn to be amateur. Michael Gove was right, we are sick of experts. Making a Murderer was one of the first of the Netflix documentaries to whet a millennial bloodlust for potential false imprisonment stories. The idea that someone in prison has been wrongly convicted is a hugely exciting one for documentary fans. But don’t be fooled, not every documentary series is about this topic. It took me 16 episodes of You’ve Been Framed to realise. A lot of people do nearly die on that show.
In order to fully appreciate the boom, we must first pay some respect to the original True Crime documentary. It follows the story of Major Charles Ingram – accused, wrongly or otherwise, but definitely otherwise – of cheating his way to a million pounds on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? What was his system you ask? A hidden earpiece? A complex system of light twitches? Buzzers? Or option D. He got his mate to cough when he read out the correct option. Is that your final answer? For the true crime genre, it works perfectly.
Cheating on a game show is not dramatic enough for us anymore. We need it bigger, darker, more at stake. In 2019, people are simply fascinated by murder. And when I say ‘people’, I mean women. That’s right, I consider women people, please stop applauding the newspaper and continue reading. Women love these podcasts. Seventy four per cent of listeners to true crime are female. I read that in a tweet retweeted by a boy I played ultimate frisbee with in fresher’s week, so it’s true.
My girlfriend listens all the time and when I asked why women favour the genre more than men she explained it was for self defence. “Women are the ones who get murdered,” she said, cowering, “so women are the ones who need to listen, for research.”
An interesting theory, but one I felt the need to fact check on account of my personality. Lo and behold, she was wrong, as per. Turns out 70 per cent of murder victims are men, which somehow felt like a victory for me. The same study revealed, however, that 80 per cent of murderers are also men. Is there anything men aren’t the best at? Murdering, getting murdered, snooker. What talent.
Luckily, I am breaking down gender norms by flat out refusing to murder anyone at the moment. Murder, like buying a house, is something other people do, and my girlfriend makes me watch TV shows about. I think the above statistics are a tad misleading though. Eighty per cent of murderers are men? No, 80 per cent of murderers who got caught were men. Those are the only ones we know about. I’d wager there are plenty of female murderers we’ve never heard of because they knew how to cover their tracks. I know it’s a stereotype, but women are famously more organised. They are planners. They have neat handwriting. They often have tissues on their person. If God would somehow identify everyone who commits murder, regardless of whether or not the police catch them, I’d bet it’s closer to 50/50 gender representation. And isn’t that what 2019 is all about? Progress.
So, what’s the real reason men aren’t listening to these murder podcasts? Well, in basic terms, it’s because they are getting the thrill of a murder podcast from elsewhere. Namely from all the murdering they do. I mean, have you seen the stats? Sorry for the downer but it turns out, stats wise, men can’t get enough of murdering their exes. On the flip side, women who murder tend to murder their husbands. Hilarious! My theory is that women want to simply divorce their husbands, but if they do that, they’ve turned themselves into an ‘ex’, and in doing so, statistically, just signed their own death certificate.
It sure feels good to get these thoughts off my chest in writing. It’s difficult for me to discuss this on stage while I have the flimsy torso and resting bitch face of a high school revenge killer. People often pontificate that in stand-up you either kill, or you die. That seems appropriate enough, but they’re forgetting the much more realistic possibility that you will be received passively by an audience thinking about what they’re doing afterwards. Much like a murder podcast.
● Rhys James: Snitch is at The Pleasance Courtyard in Edinburgh until 25 August, www.pleasance.co.uk or call 0131-556 6550.
Eighty per cent of murderers are men? No, 80 percent of murderers who got caught were men. Those are the only ones we know about. I’d wager there are plenty of female murderers we’ve never heard of because they knew how to cover their tracks