Character reference
The Ned is a spectacular 11-storey citadel of luxury in London, writes
Ned: (noun, informal, Scottish) “a hooligan or petty criminal”, “a stupid or loutish boy or man”. I won’t be the first to mention the dictionary definition of The Ned’s name.
On my tour of this five star London hotel, which is designed and operated by Nick Jones and his private members’ club Soho House along with the Sydell Group, they explain that they didn’t realise until after it opened. Anyway, it’s an opportunity to take selfies underneath the sign, trying to look a bit dodgy.
Ned is also the nickname of architect Sir Edwin Lutyens, who designed this vast (29,450 square metres) space as the Midland Bank headquarters in 1924.
His moustachioed portrait hangs near the reception. It was one of the final touches when they opened after a £200m makeover. Who knows how they managed to hang it, as everything seems to be hewn from either walnut wood or verdite, imported from South Africa nearly a century ago.
Across 11 floors, there are 250 rooms, 10 restaurants, various spa offerings, a 20m pool in the basement, gym, a roof terrace with another pool and a view over the city’s rooftops to St Paul’s, members’ lounges, bars, including a cocktail bar in a former vault (we asked if anything had been discovered in the safety deposit boxes that line this room, but sadly, no), and more.
It’s a miniature citadel.
We’re on the fourth level, in a very quiet Medium room with teal walls.
There’s a Twenties vibe, with lots of texture and rich colours, a curved mahogany bed frame, midnight blue armchairs, a retro radio, Turkish rug and heavy floral curtains.
The bathroom is tiled black and white, and my disappointment at not having a bath is tempered by a walkin shower and matching library of 10 Cowshed Baths & Shower Gels. Owner of Soho House, Jones, is the owner and creator of this brand, so these are full sizes (not to steal, unless you pay, though there are plenty of minis that you can accidentally slip into your baggage).
At breakfast, you can try a selection of the restaurants. On our first morning, we do the full English in Millie’s Lounge. To make up for this splurge, on our second day we try the Californian-influenced Malibu Kitchen, where there are green smoothies, turmeric pancakes and the most fabulous looking Bircher muesli I’ve ever seen. It’s striped with chopped dragon fruit, goji berries, mango and fat blackberries, nuts and passionfruit. My body goes into shock with the health of it all.
We also have dinner at the Asianpacific venue, Kaia, which offers more colourful options, like Hawaiian speciality, poke, JFC (Japanese fried chicken) and black cod with tarragon miso.
My favourite meal of our stay, however, is at their Italian place, Cecconi’s, with its velvety banquettes and view out to the original hotel reception desk, where there’s live music, usually jazz, playing all day.
I cancel out any morning virtue points with a hat-sized burrata followed by lamb cutlets, mashed potato and salsify.
No pudding though. I’ve got a spa treatment booked in the basement, and I don’t want to lie on a bloated beach ball of a stomach. Down here, there’s a barber shop, hairdresser, nail bar, hammam and an area where they hook you up to vitamin drips. No needles for me. Instead, I try the 30 minute Cowshed Signature Massage, using an oil that smells like mandarin and grapefruit, in Ned’s Club Spa.
My therapist condenses a huge amount of knot popping and muscle stretching into this time frame. I then get changed in the pink Italian marble changing rooms, and do a lap of their quiet pool, framed by loungers and
Clockwise from main: the roof terrace at The Ned; the cocktail bar in the old vault; one of the bedrooms
tables topped with buzzers so you can ring for a glass of fizz.
There’s not much reason to leave, but we take a short walk to Shoreditch. I’ve always wanted to go to Dennis Severs’ House. It’s a kind of art installation – a recreation of an 18th century Huguenot Weavers House, with each of the ten rooms designed to have a mood. Along with regular day visits, they offer Silent Night tours on Mondays, Wednesday and Friday from 5pm-9pm.
No talking is allowed, and the house is lit by candlelight. It’s pure magic, with cushions that feature indents, as if someone has just left, food smells and the sound of carriages or voices, with notebooks and recipes left scattered around, like clues. We communicate through raised eyebrows and smiles.
It’s probably the best thing we’ve ever done in London, along with staying at the very un-loutish Ned. ■
The Ned, 27 The Poultry, London (0203 828 2000, www.thened.com). Rooms start from £290 a night. LNER Advance Standard tickets for Edinburgh to London King’s Cross start from £27 with First Class from £68, www.lner.co.uk.
Dennis Severs’ House, 18 Folgate Street (0207 247 4013, www. dennissevershouse.co.uk), £15.
At the Malibu Kitchen there are green smoothies, turmeric pancakes