No end in sight

For Fiona Atherton, year parent to a seven life old with autism, on a is spent walking to try carpet of eggshells anguish and avoid the Every of a 'meltdown’. family in a similar situation is experiencing the same thing

Wat to be laid flat and “Cushions are still not Not a biggie, but right angles.” living envisaged your exactly as you’d room. alwaysget “Big brother must out of bed in the little brother is simply not morning.” This brother has practical, so little phenomenal do a now learned to

big demand, so that fake snore on

in to ‘wake him’ brother can run

the rules. Big accordancewith in

tactics are about brother’swake-up

as those of the as subtle in nature

so manservant Cato, Pink Panther’s that

can doto ensure it’s the least we

and is secretly awake little brother prepped first.

of all at the But, most seriously

to be singing is ever moment, “no Currently, interrupted mid-song.”

Gallagher phase, we’rein a Liam

till dusk, all so, from dawn

a must wait for communication e don't do endings

I in our house.

a don't mean in

way.i philosophical mean actual endings. TV shows, particular Of movies, kids'

for exceptionsmade songs (with Oasis

brothers of '90s the Gallagher

goes on. fame). The list and

who is seven, My elder son,

the emotion of autistic, finds and

overwhelming, endings utterly

ensues if a sneaky a teary meltdown

the net. slips through denouement

Not only are my That’s rare though.

guard I on constant husband and

an ending isnear, for any signalthat

child also holds but our younger

with the remote a vigil-like watch

how at four, he knows control. Even

is.he’ll regularly important this

his just to reassure pause a movie along

‘progress’ bar brother that the

screen is nowhere the bottom ofthe

hand near the right

that an side, and hence

way off. ending is a long

shout, “No end”, we all

mechanically, casually,

movie as the evening

won’t is chosen. “We watch the end.”

policy The “no end”

Like in our house. is one of a series they

young children, all phases with

are high, but the stakes come and go, policies

time the list of and at any one

even. is extensive. Smothering,

without first

“No admittance

This includes ringing the doorbell.”

So own household. members of our

rings the doorbell four-year-old my do my

own house. So to be let into his

I. husband and Cups

hard surfaces.” “No drinks on which

watermarks, and glasses leave

not drips. Drips are originate from

beaker (the only allowed. My son’s

down from) is wiped one he’ll drink

to him, and before being handed

are eyed with all other beverages

out of they’re moved suspicion until water

it’s anything but his eyeline. If the

of choice) then (his only drink

much greater. suspicion is that

what they were they were feeling,

all over againevery saying; he feels

that first drowned him sensation that We all

of processing. time. It’s all part

and intensity do it. But the frequency can be brutal.

full of scripts –

My head is packed

to my son needs the verbal routines

now just and which are hear so often –

really even know instinctive. I don’t

They’re just there,

I’m reciting them.

dressing children, reeled off, while

showering, making breakfast,

driving donning coats, cleaning teeth, now

four-year-old

My and unloading.

an ease that can recites them with

known having never only come with anything different.

stuff it’s really this

But as a family, again,

greatest toll. And that takes the

I talk alone. When

I know we’re not

with similar needs, to parents of kids

aren’t, generally, conversations the best

meltdowns, often about the big

chat is of mis-aligned forgotten. The

and watermarks, cushions, rogue

to head-spin of trying the logistical

doesn’t ring ensure your doorbell

in happens to be when your child

morning synchronised the toilet. Of

most-often-repeated wake-ups, never

songs you’d prefer phrases, and to hear again. But

the big things. These are not

little things that they are the million

difficult make it really can, at times, the

They are also to keep your head.

my son gets no things from which

that must be beyond break at all, and

all, he’s only exhausting. After

him is we can do for seven. The least

binge-watch and stockpile endings

when little brother them with his

arises. Until the rare opportunity

a Strictly No End then, we remain household.

predictability, of that same level

But if your routine and repetition.

alert the to be on high brain is wired that

the only thing whole time, and

is safe and secure makes you feel

then coming next, knowing what’s

or an nice surprise even aseemingly

to the plan accidentalinterruption

mayhem. can cause angsty

that angsty I think it is exactly

would assume mayhem thatone

part of being might be the hardest

like my son. a parent to a child

big, emotionfuelled, It must be those

moments that dramatic

and draining are so damaging

And yes – a fullfor everybody. leave

meltdown will throttle autistic

and emotionally everyone physically

an entire day,and exhausted for

My stomach still sometimes beyond.

spots I pass certain churns when that

recall a meltdown and fleetingly unfolded there.

to same happens

The thing is, the

morevisceral, a much my son. But in

way. His visual all-consuming

people and memory, for places,

andhis ability phenomenal, detail, is emotions

overwhelming to recall those

But he recalls is unrivalled. of

the pure rawness emotions with

– and had at the time feeling that he

currently, to without the ability,

them accurately label understand or

of a meltdown, – so a simple memory

of a place where let alone the sight

initself, trigger ithappened, can, another one.

what many autistic In that sense,

adults, experience children, and

with PTSD. It’s has a lot in common

a traumatic thanrecalling far more

it invade your event and having ghosts

my son relives thoughts. When

out past, helashes of meltdowns

nearest him, exactly at whoever is the

day; he scripts as he did on that

that were happening; conversations he

cries all over again; he screams and who

in minute detail needs to replay how

they were doing, was there, what

hits. For the record, hiatus between

a song could be interruption to an

somebody speaking, anything – yes,

a dog barking but also acough,

(potentially a outside, the doorbell

returning to their family member

to say,there is ownhouse). Needless

you can control. only so much

is, I know we’re And the thing

to parents of not alone. Speaking

is children, everybody other autistic

own unique carpet walking on their

aim of the game of eggshells. The

everybody (self is simply to keep that

as possible so included)as calm

as we can manage as normal a day

a meltdown. I can go by without

can happen mean, ameltdown

– but frequently will anyway –and

keeping life a lot can be avoidedby

so. Or Monotonously predictable.

to those how it can feel at least that’s

do not crave of us whose brains

of a meltdown, A simple memory

it of a place where let alone the sight

another one happened, can trigger

runs Awareness Week World Autism more

to 4 April. For from 29 March

the National information contact

www.autism.org. at

Autistic Society uk