Tell potential dates that you’re a real clusterfist

Tinder personality descriptions could be improved by consulting an old lexicon, says Susie Dent

‘What personality type are you?” It’s been a staple of magazine quizzes for decades, the multiple-choice invitation to discover our character traits and their impact on our lives.

After years of being filled out with teenage friends or tolerated on office away days, personality tests are back with a vengeance, and psychometric profiling is infiltrating that behemoth of our online lives – the dating app.

Put the selfies aside: some matchmaking apps, such as the newcomer So Syncd, are now prioritising personality over appearance, giving potential partners a “compatibility score” based on psychometric algorithms.

A standard Tinder bio might today inform a prospective date that they are looking at an Entp – a type defined by one of the most popular personality tests, Myers Briggs, which stands for extraverted (E), intuitive (N), thinking (T) and perceptive (P). Conversely you might be looking for an Intj: someone who is introverted, intuitive, thinking and judging. There are 14 others to seek out should you have the time and swiping stamina.

If such clinical definitions don’t float your boat, you could draw on a different vocabulary for the personalities you encounter. A riffle through a historical lexicon shows that we have always labelled others according to their behaviour or personality.

Such descriptions allow little room for the complex hive of emotions that define us. But with that disclaimer, here is a playful sprinkling of alternative personality labels from the past. You could even add one to your dating profile. Aptycock: a quick-witted and intelligent man.

Bauble-bearer: a joker and all-round party animal.

Bellibone: a woman who is both beautiful and good.

Bloviator: one who talks at length but says very little.

Clusterfist: a parsimonious type who is forever watching the purse strings.

Farouche: shy and a little on the sullen side.

Fellow-feeler: one who is compassionate, empathetic and caring.

Fiddle-faddler: a trifler; one who is just messing about.

Firking: vivacious and fun-loving (as opposed to a “firkytoodler”, whose primary focus is romantic foreplay).

Gigglemug: an individual who is perpetually (and potentially annoyingly) cheery.

Gongoozler: a daydreamer; one who can stare into a stretch of water or cup of tea for hours.

Goodwilly: benevolent, kindhearted.

Gorm-like: one with an intelligent look about them (as opposed to one who is “gormless”).

Hearsum: having excellent listening skills.

Honeyfuggler: one who pretends to be something they are not, and takes you for a ride.

Largifical: generous in the extreme.

Lobcock: a dull, inanimate fellow (literal meaning: “a large but relaxed penis”).

Lollpoop: a lazy person who always manages to get to a task just as someone else has finished it.

Microlipet: someone who gets worked up about trivial things.

Monomath: a person who knows everything about a certain subject (and little about anything else).

Omphalosceptic: a navel-gazer; one who is entirely self-absorbed.

Onwaiter: an individual who waits patiently and observes the main action from the wings.

Quidnunc: a stickybeak; one who always wants to know what’s going on. The Latin word for “what now?”

Smellfungus: a fault-finder and hypercritical individual.

Struthious: an ostrich-like person who greets every crisis with “Problem? What problem?”

Swasivious: agreeably persuasive.

Tummler: a joker; one who always acts the clown.

Well-witted: one who is intuitive and perceptive.

Whiffler: a shifty and evasive individual who can never quite make up their mind.

While not all of these sound like ideal dating material, they might at least inject some novelty. Why settle for an extrovert when you can be with a bauble-bearer instead?

And if a date doesn’t go as planned, borrow from the writer and actor Quentin Crisp, who once shut down an interview with the words: “I am sorry. We have to stop there. I have come to the end of my personality.”

Susie Dent is a lexicographer and etymologist. She co-hosts the podcast Something Rhymes with Purple