◆ Alcohol addiction and depression stalked Allie Bailey daily. Running – and eventually ultrarunning – was part of the many steps to a better life, recounted in her memoir There is No Wall. This noholds-barred extract is about the extraordinary challenge

Published 11 April 2023 Age: 42 Months sober: 21 Years running: 15 Listen to: ‘The Whole of the Moon’ – The Waterboys ‘Allie. What are you doing? Come on. You have trained so hard for this. You have put so much time, effort and money into this. This is your life. You are living your life RIGHT NOW IN THIS MOMENT and you are ruining it by not switching on and having a calm conversation with yourself. Nobody expects anything of you, and if they do, that’s on them. It’s nothing to do with you. I know you feel tired, I know you feel stressed out, but it’s all manageable. You are hungry. You know you are. Let’s sort this out, shall we?

Let’s get you some proper food. Text Lorna. Call Julius. Arrange to meet them on the course. Arrange for them to meet you earlier. We can manage this together and get you a sandwich. I know your stomach is upset, but we can sort that out with proper food. Nobody died from shitting themselves on a race. At least I don’t think anyone has. We can google that later. ANYWAY listen to me, Allie.

Listen. You just need to keep going to the next CP then make a decision. Things can change. You know they can. I promise you that things can feel better. Remember: you are doing the best you can and that is enough. Can I just mention this first lady thing? That’s great, but it’s not defining your worth. None of this does. You’re doing f***ing great. Other people’s opinions are their opinions.

You’re here to enjoy yourself.

Allie Bailey, main and above, doing what she loves most, running

Remember? You love this place. You love running, you love the challenge. It’s OK you’re finding it hard – it is hard! So find it hard, wallow about in it and suck it up. You can’t pay for this type of experience, can you? You’re in it. Feel the feelings! Rejoice that you can feel the feelings! None of it – not winning, not being fast – none of it makes you any more or less worthy as a person. Just do you. You are ace just how you are – even when you’re being a brat. OK? Now let’s get up and get to this next checkpoint. Come on. Give yourself a cuddle, and let’s go.’

And that is sitting in discomfort. This is what all the books I read talk about; this is what all the practice I have done on my brain looks like in a real-life case study. This is me unf***ing it. This is me turning it around. You can’t buy this sort of experience. You have to live it. This is what years of pain and fear of failure

and self-hatred look like when they are healing. And when you do it, when you put it into practice, when it starts to work – that is so, so powerful. I gave myself a cuddle, chose to think, I just have to get to that checkpoint, and I got to checkpoint four.

When I got there, I ordered two Pot Noodles and cuddled a dog I found outside. Rachel (second lady) came in and I chatted to her because she is lovely and sorted my feet out and moaned a lot. Neither of us mentioned placings. We never mentioned it. She left before me, and I happily waved her off. Rachel is an incredible runner. She’s done astonishing things. In the time I spent with her I thought she was ace. I’ll go when I am ready, I thought. That’s f***ing cool. Total mindset change. It’s food, I thought. Lack of food sends me mad.

I thanked the incredible volunteers and got on my way. Leg five was underway – up Tor y Foel we go!

I met Lorna and Kirsten at about 100 miles and had coffee and a bagel – more food! And then ran on. Ran. I was still running 100 miles in. I was so chuffed that I felt so strong. I stopped for five minutes for another lunch and marvelled at the beauty of where I was. I felt grateful to the environment and grateful to myself. What a way to live your life, Allie. You lucky, lucky bastard.

Time passed and the ‘I don’t want to eat’ message started again. I was really struggling with food. But that calm conversation came into play again. Come on, Allie, you have to get food down. Even if it comes up you have to get it down. Do your best. Salt tablet, food, keep calm. If you’re sick, you will have at least absorbed a bit of food. Do your best to get some food down. So I did. I kept eating despite everything that touched my lips making me gag. Despite my whole being saying no, I managed to get food down. I wasn’t sick again until much later. But now, the hallucinations had started.

Fast forward a number of pretty f***ed-up miles, not all of which I can remember…

I was now 60 hours and 140 miles into the race. Up until this point I’d had about 90 minutes’ sleep. I didn’t want to tell Julius (who was pacing me) what was happening because I didn’t want an intervention, but about six miles outside Pen-clawdd it all fell to shit. Everything was moving now. The bins jumped up and ran away when I looked at them, there were people in trees, monsters stabbing babies and noises I can’t really describe. I told Julius I needed to go to sleep. He stopped and looked at me. I told him I was scared and I couldn’t go on and needed sleep. I cried a bit. OK, I cried quite a lot, pretty loudly, like a baby. He hugged me. He texted Lorna and arranged a meeting point where I could get in the car. I got in the passenger seat, was covered in blankets and passed out. It was 4:18am.

When I woke up it was light, and I felt like shit. I could hear Lorna talking to Julius. I sat up and opened the door. It