Live and Lette Thai!
A guilt-free break away from the kids? Kathy Lette gratefully accepts her licence to chill
THE name’s Bond. Jane Bond. My mission? To abandon my family, travel to Thailand, explore the famous ‘James Bond island’, eat my own body weight in gourmet food, indulge in as much fun, flirtation and adventure as humanly possible and not feel guilty once. Was I up to the challenge?
Well, I was packed and on the plane faster than you could say ‘007’. Live and Lette live, I thought as I touched down in Phuket, then boarded a sleek boat which barracuda’d off into the turquoise sea at breakneck speed.
As we darted past the limestone cliffs and coves made famous by Roger Moore in The Man With The Golden Gun, I felt every inch the glamorous international woman of mystery. Housework and weekly food shops seemed a world away. Guilt? That’s what they make gold rings out of, right?
The iconic phallic limestone outcrop now known as James Bond island, in Phang Nga Marine National Park, proved as exotic and beautiful as the movie suggests. Overwhelmed by spy fantasies, as soon as we moored I peeled off to my bikini and plunged into the tranquil, jade-coloured sea.
The limestone makes the water incredibly soft and milky but offers nil visibility. I was basically swimming by braille. Channelling Britt Ekland, I freestyled strongly away from the beach until I felt something brush my leg. I glanced around, half expecting it to be a flirtatious tickle from a handsome hero… But there was nothing there. I swam on, thinking it must just have been a bit of driftwood. But there it was again – an exploratory nudge from something big beneath the water.
Now, there’s a reason fish never look truly relaxed. Namely because something much, much bigger is always trying to eat them. James Bond may be a trained assassin and death-defying action man, but I doubt he can walk on water the way I did. I was back on board that boat, fully dressed and dreaming of the safety of my own bed back home in London in record-breaking time. The captain laughingly maintained it was probably just a komodo dragon. Just?! Jane Bonds only shoot from the lip. And I doubt I could quip a creature that size to death with a good tongue-lashing. No, my preferred activity is reading, during which there is not much potential for death. Which is why I was very relieved when we headed towards the hotel.
But our boat suddenly veered left into dense jungle – the kind of jungle you associate with the Viet Cong. We skidded to a halt in a spray of foam near a secluded Thai fishing village. The skipper pointed to a flimsy little canoe which was clearly to be my next mode of transport. Unnerved by my recent aquatic encounter, I demurred… (By ‘demurred’, I mean ‘clutched the gangplank, sobbing’.) But, refusing to let me abandon my assignment so soon, a burly local prised my fingers free, lowered me into his frail little craft, then paddled deeper into the mangroves. As we glided through cool glades and cosy little caves, dozy bats dangling overhead, I started to relax. But just when I’d unknotted my toes, a coiled snake stirred on its branch and inquisitively licked the air near my ear... And I was walking on water again.
There’s only so much adventure a middle-aged mum of two can take. A long evening of laidback poolside reclining and serene sunset martini-sipping seemed in order. The Aleenta Phuket Resort is a ‘barefoot’ luxury boutique hideaway on the deserted, pristine sands of Natai beach. My exquisite villa, the perfect place for Bond to curl up with his concubine, looked out over the sparkling azure Andaman Sea. The inventive architecture – my room was a cube of glass jutting over a
private infinity pool (infinity pools – where will it all end?) was chic and contemporary. As I prefer fish in the past tense, right next to the cous cous and carrots, I indulged in the Edge restaurant’s extensive seafood menu. (The Thai fusion cuisine was so moreish I was worried whales would be coming to watch me.)
DAY two I woke up refreshed and ready to tackle my second assignment – a yoga and meditation class. Yoga I could maybe manage, but meditation? Did this mean I’d have to work on both my inner thighs and my inner child simultaneously? My meditation is more accidental than transcendental – a coma of boredom which overtakes me in bank and loo queues.
Basically I have a third eye infection. As I sat cross-legged on the mat, the beaming instructor clarified that the essence of yoga is to create a harmonic existence of mind and body. I explained that I’ve tried listening to my body, only we’re not exactly on speaking terms. ‘If my body does get back to me, I’ll let you know, OK?’ I told him. But the yoga class proved so relaxing that after an hour, listening only to the sigh of the sea, my body was speaking loud and clear and what it was saying was – if you leave this luxurious hotel, I will kill you.
Day three’s assignment was equally arduous – to have a massage in the Ayurah spa. But to be honest, my maternal guilt gland had started throbbing quite painfully. I was plagued by remorse at having abandoned the kids to a diet of ready meals while I was off being selfishly pampered. My children would probably put themselves up for adoption! But the great thing about holidaying in Thailand is that if you’re all Thaied up in knots, there’s always a masseuse to destress you. The supple therapist bent and folded me like human origami. She contorted me into positions even Houdini couldn’t get out of. It was like the Kama Sutra – only without the sex. It was not only calming, but afterwards I felt at least two inches taller. Ah, it’s so nice to feel kneaded.
The biggest challenge of my James Bond adventure was the planned visit to the safari park in Pranburi, overlooking the Gulf of Thailand. Now, the reason I don’t like animals is because I went out with so many as a teenager. But who couldn’t be charmed by chattering monkeys leaping into your lap? I even rode an elephant through the rainforest, her big ears flapping back and forth to keep me cool – not air, but earconditioning. My top travel tip is to be photographed in front of elephants. Sensationally slimming and its wrinkles will take years off you.
I was now at another Aleenta hotel, the Hua Hin, a luxury boutique Mediterranean-style resort run by gastronomic love god James Noble. His cuisine turns the freshest local ingredients into the most inventive and mouth-wateringly scrumptious concoctions. James uses solar ovens, smoke houses and techniques based on molecular cooking to keep the hotel’s carbon footprint fairy-sized. Chicken, beef, pork, fruit and veg are mostly produced at their own organic farm and transferred to Aleenta’s kitchens by bicycle – so guilt-free gourmandising.
A holiday without children turned out to be a thrilling adventure. After years of making space helmets out of loo rolls, then ferrying them everywhere as teens (yes, you may drive your kids crazy, but you also drive them everywhere!), mums deserve a guilt-free break.
I came back to London relaxed, healthy, yoga-addicted, not having missed the kids once. But the kids had missed me! So all in all, I’d say mission accomplished.