Oh please, Gorka... do put that soap star down
IHAVE always wondered why the studio audience is in stitches at Craig Revel Horwood’s ‘jokes’. After sitting through the six-hour recording of the launch show at Elstree Studios on Wednesday, which aired last night,
now know why. We were beaten into submission.
‘No, no, no!’ bellowed the warmup comic. ‘I want you on your feet, more enthusiasm, more smiling, let’s do it again! Pretend it’s your wedding night! There’s only one more dance to come, I promise!’
But BBC’s Strictly is still the No1 show, averaging nearly 9million viewers last year, trouncing The X Factor on ITV.
The ‘celebrity’ cast this year is predictable, but I’m sure we’ll warm to them.
My favourite celebrity ingénue on the night was the wonderfully comedic Tameka Empson from EastEnders (BBC staffers are heavily over-represented), but I found the constant hoisting of her into the air, by professional dance partner Gorka, patronising. She’s probably used to being the token big girl, but she deserves her place far more than Claudia Fragapane, an Olympic gymnast: surely that’s like letting Taylor Swift compete on The X Factor.
All the boys seemed desperate to grasp model Daisy Lowe, a young woman I cannot describe without using my hands, while rumour has it the female professionals were all desperate not to land Ed Balls, placing bets he’d be out first.
As the night wore on, with new singles plugged by X Factor graduates Olly Murs and Rebecca Ferguson, Darcey Bussell slipped into a coma and Bruno Tonioli tried to put his pyjamas on without anyone noticing (this is Len Goodman’s last series). Only presenters Tess Daly (looking more chiselled with every season; BBC cutbacks mean she was able to afford only one sleeve on her gown), and Claudia Winkleman had any spontaneity.
They are a fantastic double act, Morecambe and Wise minus a couple of Y chromosomes. But even they were given leaden links riddled with clichés. If I hear Tess say, ‘And what do the judges think of that pairing?’ one more time, I will eat Lesley Joseph’s leotard.
The ethnic diversity of the celebrities feels a little forced this year – and the contestants’ noses were growing as one after another said they were here to ‘learn to dance’, not pay their outstanding tax bill. I’d have loved Will Young, who is openly gay, to have been paired with a handsome man. But it’s a camp show with no real balls, only glittery ones.
Ed Balls has been paired with Katya Jones: cue much wrapping of brown, over-muscled legs around his lumpen torso. When I met him for a selfie after the show, he looked more in need of an oxygen mask than a smackeroo from a Russian dancer.
But, like The Great British Bake Off, why mess with a recipe that works? It might be as safe as a Victoria sponge, but Strictly 2016 is a panacea, a reassurance all is right with the world. It might be tame and naff and dated, but it’s a rubber ring in a turbulent world. Televisual Temazepam.