You won’t BELIEVE what they tell me!

One of my colleagues describes me as kind, shy, considerate, modest and undemanding. But then he also believes that Jeremy Clarkson is gay! Anne Robinson tells me at the ING Discerning Eye exhibition that she’s sceptical about everything – including her admirers. People want me to be Patsy. The reality? I am mouldering away and looking tatty. I scrub the lavatory, clear the garden, queue at the bus stop and take the Tube. I even shop in supermarkets. Does that sound pitiful? Joanna Lumley is graceful, glamorous – and so modest. Chocolate-covered peanuts are better than sex. Singer Sinitta, right, has dated Simon Cowell and Brad Pitt – so which one of them inspired her to come to this conclusion? You can still carry on a career as an actress if you have children but it means you are not a very good mum because you are never there at bedtime, you are never there to bath them or to read them stories. I hope Fiona Fullerton – who I met at a National Osteoporosis Society fundraiser – doesn’t offer this advice to doting mums Angelina Jolie, Gwyneth Paltrow and Keira Knightley... I was on a boat with Cliff when he came up on deck in one of my blouses. He also borrowed my dress. Goodness! I thought Gloria Hunniford had revealed her pal Cliff Richard’s biggest secret – until she told me they were getting ready for fancy dress party in the Caribbean. Being a grandma is great. It’s power without responsibility... I would never do a Hillary. Cherie Blair tells me at the Women Of The Future awards that she prefers pushchairs to political power.