QUOTES of the week

‘I’m constantly amazed that a man with such short legs is able to climb on to so many high horses.’ Tory MP Andrew Bridgen criticises Speaker John Bercow after he declared that Donald Trump should be banned from addressing Parliament.

‘No courgettes are kept in this van overnight.’ Sign on a Morrisons delivery vehicle spotted in West London, as the vegetable shortage bites.

‘He was more ballet dancer than beefcake.’ Academics who have created the first accurate portrait of Mr Darcy – and admit he was nothing like Colin Firth’s TV portrayal.

‘Don’t try the fried Mars bars. They’re horrific.’ Andy Murray gives tennis rival Roger Federer a word of warning ahead of his first visit to Scotland this year.

‘Good things come in packages of every size and we don’t come with an expiration date!’ Model Christie Brinkley, 63, who appears on the cover of Sports Illustrated.

‘It’s not so much the old people getting older… it’s the grotesque rise in young people getting fatter.’ Former surgeon Lord McColl blames the NHS’s woes on overweight children.

‘Activate your HH function and the radio will switch over whenever a hip-hop track is being played.’ Commentator Matthew Parris suggests a new car feature to help end ‘vulgar, mindless noise’.

‘I was in the cobra position. You could say yoga saved my life.’ Digger driver Daniel Miller who survived after being pinned in a muddy pool with his nose barely above the surface for five hours.

‘I came off court looking like Rocky Balboa.’ Tennis umpire Arnaud Gabas who was hit in the face by a ball struck in rage by Canada’s Denis Shapovalov.

‘If one of them killed someone I would help bury the body.’ Cara Delevingne jokes about her close bond with sisters Poppy and Chloe.