QUOTES of the week

‘We are reversing this – I don’t care how bad this is for you.’ Theresa May’s reported remark to the Chancellor ordering him to make a humiliating U-turn over National Insurance. ‘Ellen woke up from being drugged and realised she’d previously been in the A-Team.’ Viewer Chris Simmons is among those disappointed by the far-fetched finale of BBC drama The Replacement. ‘Breaking news… I will shortly be announced as editor of Heat magazine.’ Ed Miliband’s tongue-in-cheek tweet after George Osborne is surprisingly named editor of London’s Evening Standard. ‘For sex scenes I find it amusing if you put a whoopee cushion underneath someone. It breaks the ice.’ Jessica Brown Findlay, who plays a prostitute in a new drama. ‘Running down a mountain pelted by rocks and dodging burning boulders… it’s not an experience I want to repeat.’ BBC correspondent Rebecca Morelle, who narrowly escaped death after Mount Etna erupted. ‘It’s time you grew up.’ Judge Robert Adams sentences 6ft 6in Adam Elliott for driving a convertible while standing up. ‘At Waitrose you can buy an empty jam jar for £2 or one full of jam for £1.71. You decide…’ Shopper John Kilbride points out the discrepancy at the supermarket giant. ‘Apparently my comment about it being run like a squash club has not gone down well.’ Ukip donor Arron Banks, who is suspended by the party. ‘Calling Joan Collins a diva is like describing a dwarf as short.’ Broadcaster Michael Buerk shows there is no love lost between him and the actress. ‘Playboy was my university and I graduated with honours.’ Baywatch star Pamela Anderson recalls her racy past.