DO I SMELL A SCOTSMAN IN THIS ESTABLISHMENT?
Oliver Reed’s outburst as he ripped off his shirt and threatened to pulverise legendary Glaswegian songwriter Bill Martin ... but it was the wily Scot who got the upper hand!
‘DO I smell a Scotsman in this establishment?’ boomed the unmistakeable voice of Oliver Reed from the back of the smoky bar.
It was the late 1970s and Glasgow songwriter Bill Martin had dropped into a Surrey pub for a quick drink with a friend, unaware it was the legendary hell-raiser’s local.
‘I’m going to knock you out, I’m going to crunch you,’ warned the drunken film star as he ripped off his shirt and clenched his fists.
But Martin – who has written hits for some of the world’s most successful acts, from Elvis to the Bay City Rollers – handled the extraordinary encounter with aplomb.
‘I had to think fast,’ he recalls. ‘I said, “I’ll fight with you, that’s no problem, but we’ve been driving quite a bit. Can I have a glass of champagne first?”.’
After prepping his waiting chauffeur to keep the engine of his Rolls-Royce running, Martin agreed to ‘take this outside’ with Reed – but made a swift getaway before any punches were thrown. He says: ‘I had a glass of champagne while Oliver Reed tore off his shirt and displayed his massive torso.
‘We walked to the door and he was screaming and shouting. He had already lashed out and broken a chair.
‘I said, “You’re supposed to be a great actor, surely you can talk without shouting?”. As we opened the door, I kissed him, jumped in the car and drove off.’
This is one of a cavalcade of showbiz anecdotes from the award-winning hitmaker’s new autobiography, Congratulations: Songwriter To The Stars, which lifts the lid on the glory days of British pop music.
The book, shared exclusively with The Scottish Mail On Sunday, details Martin’s remarkable journey from the Glasgow shipyards (where he worked with lifelong friends Billy Connolly and Sir Alex Ferguson) to a penthouse in one of London’s most prestigious postcodes – via Beverly Hills.
The 78-year-old, who remains the only Scottish songwriter to pen four UK number one hits for four different acts, said: ‘I’m a proud Govan boy and have always been known as someone who shoots from the hip.
‘I have met some amazing people during my career and had some great fun. I hope that shines through.’
Here, we share a selection of some of the most colourful tales from the book, which Martin hopes to publish following his one-man show at the Edinburgh Festival in August.
PUPPET ON A STRING... SANDIE’S ‘SEXIST DRIVEL’
It was the landslide winner at the 1967 Eurovision Song Contest, won an Ivor Novello award and went to Number One in eight countries – yet Sandie Shaw has described Puppet On A String as ‘sexist drivel’.
Martin opened up about the controversy and reveals it was a favourite of Elton John’s mother.
‘At the time, Dusty Springfield, Lulu and Cilla Black were doing better in the charts than Sandie Shaw but despite that I felt she was better for the Eurovision contest. She was quirky and an attention-grabber.
‘We decided straight away that Sandie should have a love song, but it should also be fun. Sandie has since written very disparagingly about Puppet On A String, but she viewed it from some feminist perspective, which was ridiculous. It was a hit all over the world and the last song to sell a million copies of sheet music. Sandie made nearly £1 million from it – which is about £16 million in today’s money. If she doesn’t want it she can give the money to me, as I like the song.
‘Years later, I remember being at the opening night of Billy Elliot at the Victoria Palace and Elton John sat behind me with his mother.
‘I gave Elton’s mother a kiss and Elton a hug. I heard Elton’s mother say, “Why can’t you write songs like Puppet On A String?”.’
MY LETTER TO GRIEF-STRICKEN CILLA
Martin revealed his divorce from childhood sweetheart Mags, the mother of his first two children, inspired him to write Surround Yourself With Sorrow (which reached Number Three in the UK Singles Chart) for Cilla Black.
‘I never felt guilty about anything in the Sixties. I never took drugs but I
drank on a Friday night with my mates. I wasn’t too much of a Jack the Lad, but I was not the home-atthe-weekend doting husband.
‘One day I made up my mind that I was going to get a divorce. I would regularly walk around the streets and I must have been inspired, as I wrote Surround Yourself With Sorrow through a broken heart.
‘It was produced for Cilla Black – and she loved it.
‘Cilla was a terrific talent and she always listened to the songwriters. When her husband, Bobby Willis, died I wrote her a letter that said, “Don’t surround yourself with sorrow, surround yourself with family and friends”.’
CONGRATULATIONS, MY PRIDE AND JOY
Many people think he won Eurovision in 1968 with Congratulations, but Cliff Richard was beaten by just one point by Spain’s Massiel. It is the song Martin is most proud to have written – and he feels it should have triumphed, despite Cliff’s dodgy dancing. ‘I’ve heard it said that Cliff made a big mistake opting for that double-breasted suit with a white fluffy collar and frilly sleeves, but I think Cliff looked great, especially as he was so slim.
‘But he can’t dance. If you watch the clip, you will see Cliff’s dancing is out of sync.
‘I’m very proud of the fact Congratulations was played more than Hey Jude. How cool is that?
‘Cliff wrote me a lovely letter recently in which he said he was proud to be associated with a song that has become almost as big as Happy Birthday To You.’
A TERRIFYING TRIP ON ROD STEWART’S ‘JET’
After penning a song for Scotland’s World Cup squad in 1974, Martin was invited to watch a game with Rod Stewart.
‘Rod said that he was hiring a jet plane to Hamburg for £180 each and he was taking his brother Bob. I thought I would take my brother Ian. Junior Campbell, the guitarist and lead singer of the band Marmalade, was taking his brother Phil.
‘We got on the plane which had two propellers, and when they closed the door it was shaped like a coffin. Rod said there was a big blonde waitress to serve us, but I didn’t give a diddley, I was thinking of the Buddy Holly and the Big Bopper plane crash. I’d be like the singer Ritchie Valens: nobody would know I’d died if Rod Stewart had gone.
‘After the game the football team smuggled me back to their hotel and Rod and Billy Connolly were there, as was Willie Ormond the manager. We were all drinking and laughing.’
DUDLEY MOORE AND THE PLAYBOY MANSION
‘I was very friendly with Dudley Moore. I used to meet him at the Beverly Hills Hotel, where he was allowed to play the house piano because he was such an accomplished pianist. He was a very funny man and could play the piano like you wouldn’t believe. One day, Dudley said, “Let’s go to the Playboy Mansion”. I kept my tie on and there I was with Hugh Hefner in his pyjamas.’
OFF TO THE PUB WITH TOMMY COOPER
‘When I was playing in the Showbiz XI football team, Tommy Cooper used to pick me up and he had a different car every week. One day he turned up in an open-top MG Midget, which was tiny for such a big man.
‘He sat there, head above the windscreen in a Biggles hat and goggles. We were running late but Tommy put his foot down and we made up time – until we passed a thatched pub and Tommy stopped and said, “That’s the best sign I’ve ever seen,” pointing to “A pie, a pint and a friendly word”. Ignoring the fact we were going to be late, he led me into the pub and said to the landlord, “Two pies and two pints, please”. We were halfway through our pies when Tommy said, “Landlord, what about the friendly word?’ The landlord said: “Don’t eat the pies”.
‘Tommy laughed so hard he fell off his stool.’
AVA GARDNER’S INDECENT PROPOSAL
A chance encounter in Hampshire left Martin under no illusions as to why Sinatra fell for the actress.
‘In 1974, after breaking three ribs in a car accident, I decided to take myself off to an alcohol-free health farm to aid my recuperation.
‘I noticed one day outside the door opposite my room there were two empty vodka bottles but didn’t think much more of it. The next morning, as I left my room at about 8am, the door to the room opened and there stood Ava Gardner, clad in nothing more than a flimsy negligee. She asked, “Why don’t you come in for a drink?”. For reasons I cannot now fathom, I declined. I never saw her again but will never forget she had the most amazing green eyes.’