The secret diary of a Scottish footballer...
(aged 19 and three quarters!)
MALKY MACKAY, SFA performance oberfuhrer, and PFA Scotland chairman John Rankin signalled an end to ‘baller culture’ this week by spearheading an assault on the workshy wretches passing for Under-21 players in Scotland. In the interests of balance, Sportsmail has procured a searing account of a testing seven days from the perspective of one of these put-upon proteges, who must remain nameless. Here, in a series of extracts, is The Secret Diary Of The Scottish Footballer (aged 19 and three quarters).
Sunday, March 26, 2017
CHEEKY Nando’s with the mandem. Still giving Jegsy pelters for taking those free tickets from the club for the Scotland-Canada game last week when Drake was playing the Hydro. Think half the SPFL Development League was there. Guy is on flames, bro. Don’t know why they didn’t have him filling Hampden on a weekend, but one of the lads was talking about a Scotland game or something on there tonight. Anyway, Drake be dropping some serious heat on that new track with Giggs, who I still can’t believe went into rapping after Man United. Have had that tune on my Beats headphones all week. And I mean all week.
Some secretary or other at the club was getting all anxious on Friday, saying something about the gaffer wanting to see me in his office about my contract being up for renewal. She knows I was in my zone, though, and I don’t take my headphones off for no man when I’m in my zone — particularly when there’s a table in VIP with my name on it for later.
She’s got my agent’s number.
Monday, March 27, 2017
MAJOR, major chillaxing with my new pug, Buster. Check out the pic I put up of the little man and me on Twitter — the toy dog meets The Big Dog.
Haven’t heard back yet about the Blue Tick on my account, but it’s a matter of time because I’m making serious moves on that site — expanding the brand, getting my sponsorship together. The firms I Tweeted about the boot deal and the clothing line are still thinking about it, but Jegsy’s wee brother works in a butcher’s near my mum’s house, so I put a snap of myself posing with their potted hough on my timeline and he dropped off two pound of square slice and a mince round on the way home from his shift.
Wee Johnny from the Golden Dragon says I can have my next lemon chicken and chips for nothing as well if I give him a mention on my timeline. Buzzing.
Tuesday, March 28, 2017
DEVELOPMENT League game. Didn’t make the bench. Again. This is bullying. Infringement of human rights and a restriction of trade or something like that, my agent said. At least we’ve got wifi in the stand these days, so I had a quick game of FIFA 17 on my mobile during the first half, caught Geordie Shore on Sky Go during the second and checked out flights to Napa for the summer while I was waiting for my lift. Agent says he can look at getting me a move abroad before Brexit, whatever that is.
Wednesday, March 29, 2017
PHONE was hotter than a Kim Kardashian naked shoot on the way into the club. Seems Malky Mackay said my age group are not as committed as they should be.
As I got away from training just before lunchtime, I had some time to give his comments the once-over. How dare he say I should have the waistline of an Icelandic boy. Doesn’t he realise my Balmain dropped crotch trousers are a 32? I can even squeeze into a 30 if it’s Dolce and Gabbana.
Thursday, March 30, 2017
CALL us any time you need help, said PFA Scotland when I started paying my subs. Any major problems with colleagues in the workplace and we’re here, they said.
Rang today between training and the afternoon showing of Kong:
Skull Island to see if they knew anywhere that could help me get an upgrade to the new red iPhone7 that wee Basher has been swaggering around the training ground with since Monday. I have no idea what John Rankin’s beef is. All I’ll say is slamming the phone down on your members is no way for a chairman to behave.
Friday, March 31, 2017
DINNER and bubbles with my rock, my baby girl, my Princess, Chantelle, for a heart-to-heart over the most pressing thing in our lives: how to top off my sleeve tattoo before Napa. Centrepiece is the slogan ‘What A Time To Be Alive Right Now’, Drake’s last mix, but we need something more classy, so I’m waiting for Google Translate to turn ‘Hotline Bling’ into Latin and we’ll run that down my bicep with portraits of me, her and Buster inside a big heart. She cried when we sketched it out on the back of the menu. I did, too. For real.
Saturday, April 1, 2017
EVEN though I always spend the morning digging out my six homes and four aways for my coupon, my agent rang early today. Started going on about the gaffer raging that I hadn’t been to see him and saying that I’d be out the door in the summer.
Then, the penny dropped. April Fool’s Day, innit? Had a laugh, put the phone down, put my lines on and treated the Princess to a day at the spa. Full waxing, eyebrow shaping and pedicure. She had the same. We even treated Buster to a shampoo and set.
Pure luxury. Mind you, what other way is there for a young baller to spend a Saturday afternoon after a hard week’s graft?