Snap-happy flunkeys get a right-royal rocket

IT WASN’T quite off with their heads – but I hear tales of a proper dressing-down handed out to aides accompanying the Spanish royals at last week’s State visit. My mole tells me the Queen was not amused as the flunkeys took selfies, right, from a carriage as the royal procession made its way down the Mall. The aides had been coached on protocol at such occasions and were told their over-excited behaviour was definitely not the done thing. ‘It was tickings off all round behind closed doors once they clambered out at Buckingham Palace,’ whispers one courtier.

SEEMS it’s easy to control an expanding waistline if you’re a middle-aged multi-millionaire.

I bumped into Simon Cowell at his Syco Entertainment summer party at Kensington Palace and asked why he was clutching a low-cal beer. He explained: ‘In America they have Corona Lights which are only 60 calories a bottle rather than the 120 calorie ones you get here – so I ship over 30 crates at a time.’

Meanwhile, who knew that record mogul Simon, 57, famous for his trousers that sit just a bit too high, could ever be a darkeyed, handsome hunk? But yes, that’s him in this flattering portrait. Simon must be thrilled with artist Gail Garside after bidding £10,000 for a sitting with her at an auction for his children’s charity Together For Short Lives.

WAS it the champagne that caused the wobbles among guests at Pall Mall’s Carlton Gardens summer party last week? Apparently not. It seems that some ancient foundations beneath the garden shifted and a small sink hole suddenly appeared just when the smarter-than-smart party, which takes place annually in a communal garden shared by the Athenaeum Club, the Traveller’s Club and the Reform Club, was in full throng. No one was hurt, despite much shrieking, but one lady did spill her bubbly. Now that IS a catastrophe!