QUOTES of the week

‘As thick as mince, as lazy as a toad and as vain as Narcissus.’

Former Vote Leave campaign chief Dominic Cummings’s

description of Brexit Secretary David Davis.

‘Oh great, a female Doctor Who. What next? Female doctors? Female pilots? Female women?’

Blink-182 singer Mark Hoppus,

with a tongue-in-cheek response after Jodie Whittaker is unveiled as the 13th Time Lord.

‘Anyone know who Jane Austen’s agent is? We’d love to book her for an event.’

Book chain Waterstones

mocks Andrea Leadsom, after the Cabinet Minister called the Pride And Prejudice writer one of our ‘greatest living authors’.

‘His moustache is still intact at 10 past 10, just as he liked it. It’s a miracle.’

Narcis Bardalet,

the embalmer who tended Salvador Dali’s body, and who helped at the artist’s exhumation last week.

‘I can’t bake cakes but I am good at marinating my tongue in acid.’

Anne Robinson,

who is set to revive her role on The Weakest Link.

‘I don’t think nanny would approve.’

Tory MP Jacob Rees-Mogg

confesses that he has never changed a nappy – despite being a father of six.

‘I appreciate this opportunity to apologise to Bafta for inflicting on them the most atrocious cockney accent in the history of cinema.’

Dick Van Dyke

says sorry – 53 years later – for his performance as Bert in Mary Poppins.

‘The best way to get in sync is whip your shoes and socks off and connect with the earth for 20 to 45 minutes.’

Naomie Harris

offers a bizarre cure for jet-lag.