DON’T FEED THE BEAST
Seven reasons why kids should be encouraged to snub the grotesque English circus and support our more wholesome alternative
IT’S BACK. The self-proclaimed Greatest Show on Earth. The twisted, money-hungry horror show that has reduced its country’s national team to rubble and can barely produce a side capable of competing beyond the last eight of the Champions League.
The opening weekend of the English Premier League is upon us and you will forgive me — amid tales of Danny Rose pleading poverty over his £65,000-a-week wages and being applauded by his Spurs team-mates for doing it — for really not giving a monkey’s.
It is the league that squeezed more than £5.1billion out of British broadcasters last time round, leaving the SPFL — showing all the bargaining power of a jakey 10p short of the price of a litre of cider — to sell its whole kit and caboodle to them for under £19million.
What’s arguably worse, though, is that in playing fields and gardens across our fair land, it is the strips of Manchester United and Chelsea and Liverpool that we see mixed in with the Barcelonas and the Real Madrids. The names of Hazard and Ibrahimovic written on the back.
Scottish football has to take its share of the blame for all this. It still has countless problems that the authorities seem unable or unwilling to fix.
However, our game is still worth something. It remains unique. It is also showing signs of repositioning itself and proving it has more to offer than those paltry television deals suggest.
Parents must play their part, too. Here, in a Sportsmail special, we look at seven good reasons why you should keep your children away from the EPL and raise them in the altogether more nourishing environment of the Scottish game.
1. YOUR CLUB STAYS CLOSER TO YOU
Didn’t you see that awful footage of Liverpool players refusing to sign autographs on their way onto the team bus this summer? That’s England for you. Footballers divorced from reality, owners from everywhere from the Middle East to the middle of China, punters kept at arm’s length.
Here, Partick Thistle have a special Player Zone at their games to let the public rub shoulders with their favourites. Rangers players still sign autographs in the car park. Hibs spent months taking the Scottish Cup round local schools after they won it.
Low-grade nightclubs in our towns and cities also remain full of footballers. When Johnny or Janey reach 18, they will be able to throw bits of kebab at a Premiership star of their choosing in the early hours of the morning. The People’s Game, indeed.
2. EVERY TROPHY MATTERS
No playing Under-23 teams here. No sneering at certain tournaments in favour of others. No writing off defeats at the hands of lower-league opposition in the Betfred Cup as nothing to get too worked-up over. Ian Cathro will tell you all about that.
3. YOU HAVE ALL THE FUN OF THE FAIR
We do keep banging on about the ludicrous plot twists and the all-out slapstick, but it is all true. A manager found standing in a bush after the worst result in his team’s history, a club building a new stand and forgetting to order the seats, players being flogged on Twitter, bosses calling each other for everything. The new season is only weeks old and we have had loads of it. All children love the pantomime. And there is no greater pantomime than this.
4. YOU STILL SEE TOP-LEVEL PLAYERS
Andy Robertson, Virgil van Dijk and Victor Wanyama have all passed through the Scottish game in recent years. Kieran Tierney and Moussa Dembele are in the process of doing so.
There are no £50,000-a-week footballers and praise be for that, but the SPFL remains a platform for genuine talent. A staging post before the real business begins of equating £65,000 a week to modern slavery and telling how Chinese club Guangzhou Evergrande (and their billionaire owners) are the only team you ever wanted to play for.
5. CLUBS ARE REALISING THEY NEED TO FIGHT FOR CUSTOM
Ticket prices are still viewed as too expensive, but clubs are trying hard. St Johnstone and Partick Thistle let in kids for nothing. No jokes, please, about them having to hand over their pocket money to get back out.
The likes of Motherwell, Hibs and Hamilton also have season books priced between £20 and £25. The Fir Park club bring a young fan onto the pitch to read out the teams every week. What better reading practice than having to pronounce Gael Bigirimana’s name properly in front of 3,000 folk?
6. SCOTTISH FOOTBALL KEEPS YOU GROUNDED
In these sterile times of spending 24 hours a day on PlayStation, it is heartening to know there are still places our youth can safely discover 150 different ways to call someone a walloper, drink tepid water that tastes vaguely of meat and experience the kind of public toilet facilities they thought only existed in Trainspotting.
A little of the rough and ready never harmed anyone. Unlike afternoons at the likes of Arsenal, where jeering the manager for more than a decade of failure is a no-no, but it is perfectly acceptable for grown men to walk around with a selfie stick.
7. YOU WILL NOT HAVE TO TRAVEL TO SINGAPORE FOR A HOME GAME
Even though fan outrage scuppered the idea in 2014, EPL clubs remain eager to stage league games abroad. English football is not for the English any more.
That cannot be said here. Dundee and Celtic playing in the United States will not happen.
Wherever your team is stepping out, it will be but a bus trip away. A good day out.
Be warned, though. You may occasionally have to visit Methil.