QUOTES of the week

‘Tell darlingsthe poorto put little headphones on.’ Tory MP Sir Nicholas Soames, after it was revealed Big Ben would be silenced for four years – to protect workers refurbishing the tower. ‘They always look better in my head than they do on paper.’ Illustrator Jeff Kandyba, whose drawings of pop star Taylor Swift during her court case against a DJ were widely mocked. ‘Removing the walnut from a Walnut Whip truly is the beginning of the end of society as we know it.’ Hannah Muirhead, as makers Nestlé launch a nut-free version of the famous chocolate brand. ‘Wishing the President a speedy recovery from his twisted arm.’ Actor James Urbaniak addresses Donald Trump’s half-hearted condemnation of the white supremacist marchers in Charlottesville. ‘It was the time of Twiggy but I did not look like a twig. My cheeks were too fat, legs were too short, breasts too big.’ Helen Mirren on why she hated her figure in the 1960s. ‘We have created an unsustainable and ultimately pointless Ponzi scheme.’ Former Downing Street aide Nick Timothy likens university tuition fees to the infamous investment scam. ‘If people want to be at “one with nature”, then surely nature hikes, badger-watching or pond-dipping are best.’ Tunbridge Wells resident, after discovering that a sex festival is to be held in the royal spa town. ‘I imagine that Nobel Peace Prize is a pretty punchy line in a UCAS application.’ Barrister Rupert Myers reacts after campaiger and Nobel laureate Malala Yousafzai, pictured, was awarded a place at Oxford University.