QUOTES of the week

‘Academics are biased in favour of gravity, the existence of the moon and not standing in the path of oncoming trains.’ Philosophy don A.C. Grayling, after a Tory MP sparked a bias storm by asking professors what they teach about Brexit.

‘Did you take a piece of the moon and bring it home?’ Amanda Holden blunders as she quizzes astronaut Tim Peake. The last moon walk was in 1972 – the year Tim was born.

‘I haven’t watched the news for ages and I won’t start again until John Major resigns.’ Pointless host Richard Osman takes a head-in-the-sand approach to current affairs.

‘I don’t know how it goes in as a carrot and comes out the way it does. It’s a horror film.’ New father George Clooney, whose four-month-old twins are now eating solids.

‘If you watched Titus Andronicus twice a day you’d be fine in terms of your heart. Mentally, I’m not so sure.’ Royal Shakespeare Company spokesman after researchers found watching the Bard’s bloodiest play was equivalent to a five-minute cardio workout.

‘I got a free meal and they said I could run up and down the plane.’ Karon Grieve, who was the only passenger on a flight to Crete.

‘There’s nothing about me that’s natural. I like to look as plastic and fake as possible.’ Star Delguidice, who has spent more than £200,000 on cosmetic surgery.