QUOTES of the week

‘Don’t go to England. Something is not right there… People get hanged, poisoned, they die in helicopter crashes and fall out of windows.’ Russian TV journalist Kirill Kleymenov issues a chilling warning to ‘traitors’, following the nerve agent attack on former spy Sergei Skripal in Salisbury.

‘They were in with a load of opt-outs. Now they are out and want a load of opt-ins.’ Luxembourg Prime Minister Xavier Bettel laments Britain’s relationship with the EU.

‘I’d have had more rights if I’d murdered someone.’ Cyclist Sir Bradley Wiggins hits back at new drug-cheat allegations.

‘Fake tattoo proof-reading position available. Experience with apostrophes a must.’ Emma Watson’s self-deprecating response after her tattoo read Times Up, instead of Time’s Up.

‘He keeps his hands where you can see them, never says a rude word and, most importantly, no penis at all.’ Oscars host Jimmy Kimmel reveals why the coveted statuette is the ‘most respected man in Hollywood’.

‘We look forward to seeing its badgerbaiting or dog-fighting outfits in the near future.’ Lee Moon, of the Hunt Saboteurs Association, pokes fun at Tesco after it advertised on its website a child’s fancydress foxhunting costume.

‘Rolls-Royce and Bentley are Ancient Greece today. I worked on the original Phantom. The brief was Buckingham Palace on wheels.’ Aston Martin design boss Marek Reichman takes aim at the rival luxury car brands.

‘I’d struggle to make a showstopper from carrots and celery.’ Former Bake Off winner Nancy Birtwhistle after health chiefs urged workers to share vegetables rather than birthday cakes with their colleagues.