QUOTES of the week

‘We are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet of a very average star. But we can understand the universe and that makes us something very special.’ Professor Stephen Hawking, who died last week aged 76, sums up the human race.

‘The person responsible has been reprimanded and marched back over the Tamar.’ National Trust apologises after it advertised cream teas at a Cornish property with jam on top – the recipe used in Devon.

‘They didn’t believe that an Englishman could make love to ten women.’ Sir Michael Caine reveals why the French never rated his hit film Alfie.

‘You may not like this but you’re Jack and Vera Duckworth.’ ITV executive Neil Thompson tells Good Morning Britain’s Susanna Reid why he paired her with Piers Morgan.

‘I’ve done my best to make Ken Bruce acceptable to polite society. I’m not sure I’ve been entirely successful.’ Traffic reporter Lynn Bowles, as she announces she is quitting Radio 2 after 18 years.

‘I knew there’d be war because I drove past Vera Lynn’s house and heard gargling.’ Joke by Ken Dodd – the veteran comedian died last week aged 90.

‘I don’t think it would be sensible to get dragged into a mud-wrestling battle with a gorilla.’ Former ambassador Sir Rodric Braithwaite argues against more tit-for-tat diplomatic expulsions with Russia.

‘We are a bloody big motorway. There’s a slip road where people join and the majority move over to accommodate new cars, but you can’t have somebody driving in the opposite direction.’ Dame Louise Casey attacks Ministers who say integration is a two-way street.

‘I’d love to call it ignorance but I know you ain’t that dumb.’ Rihanna accuses Snapchat of shaming domestic abuse victims.