QUOTES of the week

‘You are the most ignorant audience members I have ever had the misfortune to perform in front of.’ Actor Niall Sheehy, star of Titanic The Musical, after the show was disrupted by two women following England’s World Cup penalty shoot-out on their phones.

‘They are always better in ’14 than ’18.’ French joke, after World Cup holders Germany were knocked out.

‘It was so badly damaged it looked as if it had already been under the hammer.’ Auctioneer Adam Partridge after selling a cracked Chinese vase – initially valued at £200 – for £110,000.

‘A good way to sort airheads from serious dating material.’ Activist Peter Tatchell says that a protest march for human rights is the best place for a first date.

‘I’m more fed up about missing the last series of Game Of Thrones’ Newspaper grandee Peter Preston’s lament that he would miss Emilia Clarke, left, and the rest of the cast when his son asked him, just before he died, what he thought would happen with Brexit.

‘I do read fiction, but mostly in the form of Government papers.’ Chancellor Philip Hammond cracks a rare joke.

‘Fake news constantly likes to pour over my tweets looking for a mistake.’ President Trump’s tweet, swiftly deleted, before he retweeted with ‘pour’ corrected to ‘pore’.

‘I thought this was the appropriate moment to step out and give someone else a chance before I’m so old my sentences make no lasagne.’ Radio presenter Eddie Mair announces he is to leave the BBC after 30 years.