QUOTES of the week

‘My missus accused me of having an affair – I kept disappearing and coming back with green on my knees. It was the courgette season and I was in the vegetable patch.’ Chef Jamie Oliver offers an innocent explanation for his absence from home.

‘Remember, ladies, if you have an epidural during labour, you’re a wimp. The same goes for men having open heart surgery. Just breathe.’ Radio host Julia Hartley-Brewer hits back at footballer Harry Kane, who had praised partner Katie for giving birth without painkillers.

‘Thanks for coming. I was a bit worried it was just going to be my wife and the dog.’ Tour de France winner Geraint Thomas quips as thousands welcome him back to his home city of Cardiff.

‘If you use the amount of spray tan as I do, you need to scour it off with a kitchen utensil.’ Strictly’s Claudia Winkleman admits her tanned look comes at a cost.

‘We can get six-figure salaries for working 4 days a week, 45 weeks a year. Run that past the public and see how much sympathy you get.’ Dr Arvind Madan is forced to resign as the country’s most senior GP after suggesting his colleagues are overpaid and underworked.

‘I’m sorry I’m not in the office as planned. I seem to have picked up one of those 48-hour bugs. Atishoo.’ Broadcaster Eddie Mair leaves his Radio 4 show two days early after calling in sick.

‘It’s flattering for me but probably not for Tom.’ Sandi Toksvig claims she is often mistaken for actor Tom Cruise.