QUOTES of the week

‘That was a short flight.’

Astronaut Alexey Ovchinin jokes after he was forced to abort a space trip just seconds after take-off and endure a terrifying landing.

‘You xnd your collxborxtors clxxrly hxvx too much timx on your hands. Gxt x grip!’

Female Twitter user mocks the Wellcome Collection museum for using the word ‘womxn’ instead of women to promote an event.

‘He makes me sound like the most sexually exciting man on God’s Earth. I don’t sound so good in the German version, though.’

Former Midsomer Murders star John Nettles, who receives a lot of fan mail from French women thanks to the actor who dubs his voice.

‘I’m the most bullied person in the world.’

US First Lady Melania Trump reveals why she started an antibullying campaign.

‘The hip, waist and bust ratio is more unbelievable than a 2,000-year-old alien with two hearts.’

Twitter user Marian Blythe criticises a new doll of Jodie Whittaker’s Doctor Who, complete with curvy figure.

‘To take something as beautiful as a mushroom, mince it up, add beetroot juice… my God, just have a burger.’

Chef Yotam Ottolenghi despairs of dressing up vegetables to look like meat.

‘It was great in theory but when you have to get up and fight Sylvester Stallone in the morning it’s not such a good thing.’

Rocky IV star Dolph Lundgren regrets his wild nights with former girlfriend Grace Jones.

‘Scrub up well, don’t they?’

The Football Association is forced to apologise after tweeting a picture of the England women’s team. PAUL SINCLAIR IS AWAY