Why we will all miss that man Brown if he leaves
THERE can be no season of goodwill in Scottish football. Certainly not when Scott Brown is slap-bang in the middle of it. He’s the sort of bloke who probably has a bathful of custard waiting at the bottom of the chimney for Santa and sticks laxatives in the mince pie left out for Rudolph — before clambering out the Velux window of the loft conversion to snip the reins on their sleigh as the presents are being laid out in the living room. Just for a laugh.
If one man encapsulated so much of what makes our national game unique, it is the Celtic captain. He will be 34 years old at the end of this season, has played more than 500 times for the Parkhead club, won 18 domestic honours and collected 55 caps for Scotland.
In other countries, guys with that kind of CV would probably seek to take on the role of some kind of elder statesman. Maybe even have one eye on exerting political influence at the Football Association. Like a Beckham or a Beckenbauer.
Instead, he still pokes fun at himself for being a bit rubbish and acts like the boy in Primary Four with suspected ADHD and a lunchbox full of Skittles and Sunny Delight.
Brown shows us everything good and bad about what we are: aggressive, combative, petty, self-deprecating, impulsive, vindictive, right into the slagging when we should be old enough to know better.
Imagine him knocking around Hampden in a year or two in a blazer. He’d be putting a whoopee cushion under Alan McRae’s seat and trying to set the Hungarian FA president’s trousers on fire. Love him or loathe him, he
will be missed when he is gone and the Celtic midfield is full of nice, good-mannered, sporting young laddies like Callum McGregor and Ryan Christie.
There’s already a three-year contract from new A-League side Western Melbourne waiting on the other side of the world. The only stumbling block, it’s said, is that Brown is taking time to become accustomed to the subtlety of Aussie humour.
What is for sure is that there is no one better to take centre stage in this most remarkable of weeks for our national game than this trademark pantomime baddie. We ought to relish what may well be his curtain call.
Any one of four clubs could be top of the Premiership by the winter break. That’s real drama, rather than the cooked-up stuff we tend to specialise in. God knows when we last had such an exciting situation to take the mind off sitting through the Mrs Brown’s Boys’ Christmas
Special, with only the in-laws, dyspepsia and soul-destroying silence for company.
What makes it even better is that all the old slapstick and schoolyard trifles are never going to be far away. There are too many ongoing vendettas, rivalries, loose words ready to be shoved down people’s throats at the first opportunity.
And this coming week, this delicious, rumbustious cavalcade of aggro waiting to happen, is absolutely jam-packed with them. Brown will no doubt have the sunglasses packed for next weekend’s visit to Ibrox and Steven Gerrard’s first home derby as Rangers manager.
Rows over ticket allocations and past Celtic celebrations will bubble just under the surface. As will Gerrard’s remark after a one-goal hammering at Parkhead in September that ‘if that’s Celtic at their best, it’s encouraging for us moving forward’.
His statement about Rangers being ‘a class above’ Aberdeen on the opening day of the league season has certainly worked out well since — with that Betfred Cup semi-final defeat being followed by a cuffing at the hands of the Dons at Ibrox.
Yet, to place too much emphasis on Gerrard going up against Celtic and Brendan Rodgers and whatnot would be a crime at this early stage in the festive fixture list. Particularly when Boxing Day presents the kind of tete-a-tete taking Scottish football’s prodigious talent for cultivating childish, unrelenting slanging matches to a whole new level.
Who exactly knows the genesis of Brown’s ongoing war of attrition with Aberdeen captain Graeme Shinnie? Who cares when it is already putting last season’s verbal table tennis between Craig Levein and Neil Lennon in the shade?
What Levein and his Hibs counterpart Lennon crafted between them was pure performance art, the Hearts manager’s remarks about restoring ‘Natural Order’ in Edinburgh being unfolded on a massive banner right above his head two months later as his team took a pasting at Easter Road.
Brown and Shinnie have simply taken beef to fresh heights, though. This is Tupac and Biggie for a new generation. Bette Davis and Joan Crawford relived. So wonderfully bitchy, so mean-spirited that even Kate Middleton and Meghan Markle are taking notes.
What’s even better ahead of Wednesday’s game is that they have dragged all sorts of other folk into it.
Their evident dislike of each other came to light late last term when Brown accused Shinnie of ‘a little boy’s tackle’ in a game at Parkhead. ‘He’s not got great quality but he does the best he possibly can,’ meowed Brown, licking the last of a post-match saucer of full-cream milk off his paws.
Back up against each other earlier this season, Brown snatched a note passed from Derek McInnes out of Shinnie’s hand on the pitch and gave it to his own gaffer on the touchline. The Aberdeen manager accused him of being a teacher’s pet. When Brown and team-mate Mikael Lustig rounded on Lewis Ferguson at the end of the Betfred Cup final earlier this month, it got even more personal.
McInnes confronted Lustig on the pitch. Shinnie accused the Swede and Brown of lacking class. As if that was some kind of revelation.
In pictures taken at full-time that day, a grinning Lustig hung over Brown’s shoulder like the big goon who backs up the school bully while he’s making his demands for everyone’s dinner money.
They will surely be prime targets at Pittodrie in an end to the year that is looking particularly tasty. You’ve got Hibs at Rangers just a few days after Ryan Porteous had a go at relocating Lassana Coulibaly’s knee in his throat — and got away with it. After that for the Cabbage and Ribs, it’s the simple business of an Edinburgh derby.
Of course, it went way too far last time with coin-throwing at Tynecastle and Bobby Zlamal taking one on the coupon. At least the return to the Hearts line-up of Stevie Naismith, one of the great on-field peacemakers, should ensure this one goes off without a fuss.
Kenny Miller will be up against Livingston after being handed his P45 by them this season. And even Hamilton-Motherwell is shaping up to be a giggle after some ludicrous stuff on social media about Accies Ultras — yes, you did read that correctly — supposedly breaking into Fir Park and stealing some flags.
Yes, listening to Gerrard and Rodgers talk about how much they like each other — and not believing a word — before Ibrox will be a highlight. However, it is only part of a week-long showcase that should present our own little sporting pleasuredome at its rough, unvarnished best.
Let’s raise a glass to toast its majesty. You can even ‘Do The Broony’ if you like.