NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly – and very irreverent – look at some of the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

The EU softens its position over the Northern Ireland backstop, saying the conditions that officials set down for a change of policy have been fully met now that the Michigan town of Hell HAS frozen over.

TUESDAY

Tesco starts implementing a plan to close 90 deli counters. Shareholders had demanded only 75, but management said: ‘It’s a little bit over mate, is that OK?’

New pillows designed to stop snoring go on sale. The first customers say they do work, but you have to press them down REALLY hard over your partner’s face.

WEDNESDAY

There are awkward scenes at the funeral of the doctor who invented ibuprofen – undertakers struggle to get the lid on his casket, since they have to squeeze the sides, press down and rotate it 90 degrees clockwise.

The Cornish bed and breakfast told off by watchdogs for advertising itself as having a four-star rating produces evidence: a letter from an AA inspector describing it as an ‘absolute **** hole’.

THURSDAY

Hobbit director Sir Peter Jackson insists that his previous work won’t influence his new film about The Beatles, which will faithfully capture the stories behind such hits as Eleanorc Rigby and With A Little Elf From My Friends. The teenager arrested for getting a PlayStation 4 for £8 by weighing it as fruit at a self-service till insists he thought it was an Apple.

FRIDAY

Estate agents Foxtons issues another statement to the City after declaring a 80 per cent collapse in annual profits. Or as it reported: ‘A delightfully bijou figure, perfect for expansion.’