NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly – and highly irreverent – look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Donald Trump denies it’s an abuse of his power to call a national emergency just because he didn’t get his way on the border wall – before calling other national emergencies over CNN being mean to him, not being allowed to grab women where he wants any more, and not getting a Batman in his Lego Movie Happy Meal.

TUESDAY

Asked to contribute to the debate as to whether Churchill was a hero or villain, Diane Abbott says: ‘Well, he did save me £50 on my car insurance.’ Trade Secretary Liam Fox reveals a much needed boost to the number of post-Brexit deals he’s struck, announcing new treaties with the sovereign nations of Poundland, Kingdom Of Leather and Coffee Republic.

WEDNESDAY

After the Dutch government unveiled a ridiculous, bumbling, muppet to represent Brexit, Boris Johnson sues for trademark infringement.

THURSDAY

Calls grow for HS2 to be scrapped, with critics saying its £56billion cost could instead fund millions of nurses, or up to five university vice-chancellors.

FRIDAY

Nigel Farage blasts television bosses for glorifying undocumented migrants from developing countries who smuggle themselves into the UK – after the revival of Paddington is announced. After the Government loses yet another Commons vote on Brexit, Theresa May says it should be ‘best of 23’.

SATURDAY

Doctors who found that drinking too many artificially sweetened fizzy drinks increase a woman’s risk of heart attack reveal it’s because their blood pressure is raised by all the halfnaked hunks they ogle on their Diet Coke breaks.