NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!
OUR irreverent look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…
MONDAY
After being accused of sloppy marking standards on English essays, exam board AQA says: ‘Soz. It’s summin we’s gonna try 2 get betta @. Deffo.’
TUESDAY
Eurostar admits it lifted its ban on taking drinks on trains after heavy lobbying from Diane Abbott.
WEDNESDAY
The EU prepares a fresh investigation into Nigel Farage’s undeclared donations, since the squabbling Conservative Party clearly gifted him a free lead in the polls. The Dalai Lama admits he’s baffled by the response to his comments on immigration since ‘going back to where you came from’ is the entire basis of his belief in reincarnation.
THURSDAY
After going cashless, the makers of Monopoly announce more changes to make the game more realistic for the modern world, including a Chance card forcing players to hand over £500billion to bail out the banker; a rule that you have to be laundering spurious Russian mafia money to buy property on Park Lane; and that the Income Tax square is optional if you’re the new playing piece – a Starbucks cup.
FRIDAY
A fresh row hits Tory Story 4. Following accusations of racism and misogyny, the cartoon is blasted for ‘blatant potnonomicaphobia’ over the character of Mr Potato Head. A spokesman for the FACTSS, the Federation for the Advancement of Cranial-Tuber Syndrome Sufferers, hits out: ‘Mr Potato Head is an offensive and outdated insult that people living with this condition still have to endure daily. We should not be ridiculed, nor have plastic moustaches forcibly pushed into our flesh. Without such mockery, potato-headed people can lead productive and fruitful lives. Just look at Ross Kemp.’
SATURDAY
In an attempt to shed his goodygoody image, Jeremy Hunt reveals his edgy past: he once bought a single can of Coke marked ‘Multipack only, not for individual sale’. In a debate about post-Brexit trade deals, John McDonnell is asked about Gatt 24, and replies: ‘They are absolutely innocent and must be released now.’