NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly – and highly irreverent – look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days… MONDAY After his surprising admission that he would rather delay Britain’s exit from the EU than accept Boris Johnson’s deal, Nigel Farage changes the name of his party to The ‘No I Didn’t Mean That Type Of Brexit You Idiots’ Party. The Extinction Rebellion protester who dressed up as broccoli is finally charged – with stalking. TUESDAY The students who wanted to scrap a statue of Mahatma Gandhi in Manchester because he didn’t live up to their standards of anti-racism demand the removal of a monument to Nelson Mandela, as he was notably silent on the issue of polyamorous digenderism. Donald Trump says he will lift import tariffs on Scotch whisky if ‘that guy Glen Fiddick’ has any dirt on Democrat rival Joe Biden. WEDNESDAY The nurse groped by a doctor who blamed fumes from a plug-in diffuser for his behaviour agrees that some aerosol was definitely to blame. WH Smith finalises its buyout of America’s Marshall Retail Group for £310million – plus an extra pound for a giant Galaxy bar. THURSDAY After figures show worshippers are deserting churches for prayer apps, one vicar says: ‘It’s good to see people are still putting faith in a mysterious unseen force that knows everything. It’s just a shame it’s wi-fi.’ Santa Claus is dubbed a scab after vowing to defy the Royal Mail workers’ Christmas delivery strike. FRIDAY Police continue to deny they are wasting time monitoring the correct use of pronouns, and say they are committed to fighting serious crimes such as personslaughter.